I am my brother's keeper

I just read two articles on the Connecticut shooting. One talks about the relationship between video game companies and gun manufacturers, and another blamed the deaths on gun.

Both video game companies and gun manufacturers, not surprisingly, had their defence.  For video games, there have not been any convincing study on the link between video game violence and physical violence.  (How nice for them).

For gun-rights lobbyists, they said that "guns do not kill people, people kill people".  What they mean is that it is not the fact that there is a large number of weapons freely available, but that the guns are in the wrong hands. ("What a revelation! Why didn't we think of that?")

As a parent, I have two responses to that.  Firstly, my boys, being boys, enjoy play-fighting.  I allow them, but I do not allow any kicking, or the use of any weapon except cardboard ones.

As part of the year-end cleaning up, we discarded a number of cardboard pieces.
The boys started making swords and shields with them.  

This is because the boys are childish, and can easily be carried away by their playing.  Kicking with their legs, and hitting with a weapon (like a metal ruler) can really hurt and may cause permanent damage.  Simply put, I prevent them from doing harm to others (as this mother - Elizabeth Guzen tries to do).

Secondly, in any sibling conflict, I always attribute responsibility to everyone present.  For those who were involved, there would always be someone who provoked or retorted/retaliated, so those involved can never escape responsibility.  As for the situation when the conflict was between only two of them, but the third one was present, I would always ask whether the third one attempted to stop the conflict. This is because I believe that we are "our brother's keeper", and that we should do our part in helping others, including keeping them safe from each other and perhaps themselves.

What this means for a larger issue, is that we need to ask ourselves - "Is there anything I can do to make it better", instead of saying - "Not my fault" (In Singlish, we may add "Heng ah...", which means "lucky for me").

The title of a book I read many years back said it well - "All I really needed to know, I learned in Kindergarten". Here are the credos the writer espoused:-

1. Share everything. 
2. Play fair.
3. Don't hit people.
4. Put things back where you found them.
5. CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESS.
6. Don't take things that aren't yours.
7. Say you're SORRY when you HURT somebody.
8. Wash your hands before you eat.
9. Flush.
10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
11. Live a balanced life - learn some and drink some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work everyday some.
12. Take a nap every afternoon.
13. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Stryrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
15. Goldfish and hamster and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
16. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first work you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.” 

I know it sounds simplistic.  These gun owners are adults, not children - they can be, and should be responsible.

Oh please.  We all have the inclination to harm, adult or children. As a sometimes fuming-mad wife and mother, I am glad guns are not allowed in Singapore.  Just as I am glad there is such a high penalty for drug-abuse and drug trafficking (but that's another story).  

It may sound condescending.  After all, I am not in the United States, and I do not understand the complexities of the culture and politics.  There are many people, probably including the mother I mentioned above, who would love to have a gun-free state like Singapore.  But many things are not within their control. Yes, things have become really complicated.  Different people have made it complicated for different reasons.

I am a simple person here so all I am asking, is for some basic human decency - to think about how each one of us can save lives, and make this world a better place.  It is really not that complicated.  We all have a part to play, and life is much more than food and the body more than clothes.

For my part as a parent, I want to teach my children to do right. So in the most recent game which they played, it ended because Samuel was injured by Elias.  He was upset and so the game was over for the both of them.  When Elkan protested, I asked him whether he exercised due diligence to prevent injury to Samuel (even though he was not involved), he responded with a feeble "I did try to ask them to stop..."

The boys LOVE the play-fighting.
Samuel will put on his Helmet (of salvation) and Shield (of faith)
to complement his code of arms.

The children did not protest when I ended their game.  They understand that in our family, they are expected to do their utmost to protect each other and that if they do not, it is the end of the fun.

Despite that, they still do not do their utmost to protect each other.  Of course, because they are work in progress. But they know what is expected of them in the family.

I pray that they will remember this when they grow up, and expand their sphere of protection to other people around them.  My brother is not just my flesh-and-blood brother.  It includes all humanity.

So it was just mummy guilt

Mummy guilt, I am sure every mother has suffered from that.  The nagging thought that you could have done more or done better, that you should have known, or that you should have tried harder.

I had many episodes of these, but a few in particular haunt me.

There was the time in Jarkarta when Elkan was just 9 mths old. We were already training him to sleep on his own and he was accustomed to that.  However, that first night in Jakarta, he kept crawling over to me, to sleep next to me.  It was probably due to a sudden blackout which happened earlier in the night and traumatised him.

Despite the knowledge of that, I stubbornly refused to let him sleep next to me, for fear that it will 'spoil' him and undo all the months of work we did. He crawled to me again and again, crying and reaching out to me. 

He was happy here. He was not, in the darkness of the night.
He wanted his mummy, but his mummy rejected him.   

I put him back again and again, until finally, he fell asleep from exhaustion. (*BAD MOMMY!!!*)

Then there was the time when I force-fed Samuel (between 4-6 months old) some milk, only to realise later that it had been left out for more than 24 hours. It must have turned bad and that was why he refused to drink. (*LOUSY MOMMY!!!*)

He was so small, what does he know?

Sigh.  

Most recently it was the realisation that Elkan's primary school days were over, and that he had not had much accomplishments. I always wished we had continued his Piano, Swimming and Chess lessons.  He would have gotten at least a Grade 5 in Piano, and Gold in swimming and received more than just a Merit medal for his Chess competitions.  

Of all my children, Elkan required the least of my attention and so he received the least.  He was none the worse for the lesser attention but I always wondered whether he would have done better for his PSLE if I had given him more. Having these thoughts made me feel worse because I wondered why I was so mercenary. 

Suddenly however, I realised that I was simply feeling mummy guilt, and strangely enough, once I realised that, I felt much better.  

I did not fail my child.  The reason I thought I did was because I measured myself against a mother who had perfect knowledge and limitless amount of energy.  That is what mummy guilt is - an emotion borne out of an unrealistic expectation of myself as a mother.  

So I moved on, went for a lovely holiday, and lo and behold, when we came back, we found a letter.  

Apparently, Elkan was given an Eagle's Award, given to students who "display outstanding leadership qualities, contribute to voluntary work in the community and school, or excel in co-curricular activities".  It was certainly unexpected and therefore brought tears to my eyes.  

Elkan was delighted when he read the letter.
He was so proud of himself.  I felt so happy for him.

Like a year ago, when Elias received the Good Progress Award, this was an affirmation of me as a mother, illogical though it may be (because I think he would have achieved it with or without me, since I did little for him).  

Elkan has got his posting for secondary school too.  At the end of the day, I think that the school which he has been posted to, is the best choice for him, and he would be happy there.  

Life has lots of "might have beens" but I have so much to be thankful for.  Mummy guilt will always be with me, because being a parent is such an awesome responsibility. May it be a positive energy for me. 

Today is my test

In 3 hours time, we are going to receive Elkan's PSLE results.  I am very nervous.

This is Elkan standing outside his P6 classroom.

This is Elkan (he is at the back, first one from the left) outside his P1 classroom.
Time flies!

Close to 30 years ago, when I received my PSLE results, it was a happy day for my parents.  My parents stayed in a 3-room flat.  They did not even complete their primary school education.  My mother used to tell me stories of how my father would run away from school, and how she could never remember anything that she studied, even though she tried very hard.

It was beyond their wildest dream to have children who enjoyed learning, and who were good students.  But my brother and I fulfilled their dreams.  We enjoyed learning, and we did well in our studies.  Eventually we entered into NUS and the family portrait which my parents proudly hang in their living room featured four graduates (our spouses too, graduated from NUS).

Earlier this week I attended a "Our SG Conversations" dialogue.  I enjoyed it very much, simply because it reminded me so much of my past life -  the flip charts, the post-its and the sweets in the middle of the table.  I was happy to have met new friends - people whom I may not never otherwise have met because we move in different circles, brought together by a passion for Singapore, and a desire to make a difference.

At the end of the session, BG Chan Chun Sing, Acting Minister for Community Development, Youth and Sports summed up his impression of the whole session.  One of the things he shared was this picture.

The Y-axis represents wealth.  The X-axis represents all of us.

His point was this.  We are all at different points of the new curve - some are richer, some are poorer, but as a whole, and even as individuals, we are better off now than where our parents were in the past.  He implied that we should simply look at what we have, and not what we do not have, and adjust our expectations.

I think that he is wrong in one aspect.  Mankind does not, and should not assess our progress from a standard baseline.  Each generation desires to do better than the earlier.  We always stand on the shoulders of our ancestors and our past.  That is progress. It is not necessarily for personal gain, but an instinctive desire of each generation to leave behind something better for the next.

There is nothing wrong with being hungry for success (the Government laments that our young people do not have enough of that).  But it is wrong to expect it to be easy and to complain when it seems too difficult, because no one, not even the paternalistic and capable Singapore Government owes us success and happiness in life.

I do not know whether today will be a happy day for me.  Will today be a day of reward and affirmation for me as a parent, or will today be a day of test?  If he does much better than expected, it will be a day of reward and affirmation.  If he does as expected (I had adjusted my expectations to minimise disappointment.  Yes, I am a wimp when it comes to this), it will be a day of test.  It will be a test of whether I have integrity, whether I truly love my child unconditionally, whether any disappointment which I might feel is merely a momentary emotional reaction or a revelation of my true self.

I have a brilliant child here, whom I chose to give space to learn and grow instead of drilling him.  It represented six years of intentional parenting, but it also represented many moments and periods of careless parenting.  It represented more than two years (and counting) of my working life traded for the future of my children.

I am sorry, BG Chan, it is not as simple as looking at where I am compared to my parents, and where my children are compared to me.  The question is - have I create enough value from what I was given?  I was given so much more in life, through my parents' pain and sacrifices, and it will not be right for me to squander the inheritance of education and social capital they had given to me.  I need to ensure it is multiplied, through my life and my children's lives.

"Hey, my kite is there!"
When I look at you, my dear son, I see my future.
For even after I die, I will live through you.

But no, the measure of my life as a parent, and his life, even as a student, is not determined by the Aggregate score.  But it is easy to think that it is, especially in the frenzy of today.  That is why I say it is a test, and that is why I am nervous.

Celebrating the child for life

I wrote about Samuel's mini performance at his kindergarten, and about how delighted and proud parents were of their children.  In turn, Samuel was so happy and excited to see us.   

Before the performance, Samuel was at the back with his friends.
When he saw us, he was so excited, and he walked towards us.
Then he realised that he should stay "backstage".
So here you see a sheepish-looking, slightly self-conscious, nonetheless very happy boy.

At the end, the teachers encouraged the children to give a hug to their parents.
Happy grandma and happy grand child :)

It was the same about a month ago, when the children 'graduated' from kindergarten.  They did some simple song and dance, and we lapped it all up.

Samuel was not the most prominent of all children - there was a child from each class who gave a farewell speech - and he was not the one.  He made a few people laugh, however, because of the way he did his bow and extended his hands for the certificate.  He was so cute and he can do no wrong - everyone of us in the family was proud of his every step and his every move.  

On the other hand, this is also a very stressful time for primary school children and their parents. This is the time when the year end exam papers are returned and the SA2 results are due to be released.

Well, my son did badly. He failed his Chinese paper, and barely passed his Maths. His results were average for English and Science, which were his better subjects.

The emotions he caused were of course very different.  There was no celebration of a good job done, or a good year.  

Some time back, I was having a conversation with a friend, to whom I said that some parents get jaded when their children grow up.  Somehow, we no longer celebrate the child's achievements as much when they grow up.  I think parents become a bit disappointed at the realisation that their child is not a genius after all. 

Somehow, unlike in preschool where the standard for a simple graduation or concert performance is absolute, the success indicator in school is now relative, and set so much higher that children rarely meet it.  After all, how many top 5 scorers can there be?  And even if you are among the top 5, your parent may think you should be the first.  Even if you are the first in the school, your parent may wish you were in the GEP, and then to top the GEP class, and then to be the top scorer for PSLE.  (My Favourite teacher forever (FTF) said : Bring them a step closer to heaven, and they ask for heaven).  

I think that is natural because expectations go up when the children grow up.  But I believe that if we could remain as encouraging to our school-going children as we were when they were pre-schoolers, they will do so much better. 

In any case, seeing Samuel and reflecting upon our over-the-top, irrational joy at seeing him do the simple things he did, and appreciating his efforts, reminds me that we should continue to affirm our school-going children's efforts and to tell them that they matter to us, regardless of what they did or did not do.

Yes, my son did badly for his examinations.  So what should I do?  I am both the kiasu/kancheong, and the easy-going/full-of-high-sounding conviction mum.  I have also been on both sides of the parenting scale - the authoritative Tiger mum, and the permissive Jelly mum.  But maybe if I can find the perfect balance, and am more effective, efficient and energetic, like some mums know seemed to be, my sons will be better off.  望子成龙，which parent does not want success for their child? (My FTF said that too) 

Unfortunately, I am not that perfectly balanced, highly effective, efficient and energetic mum.  I do not pray enough either.  Perhaps I did not give them the 龙种， so surely I cannot punish them for not being a 龙. 

Today some friends and I talked about how they contemplated suicide when they were growing up, because of the lack of connection with their parents.  Others said they contemplated suicide despite the connection with their parents.  So what is a parent to do?  

As I have written earlier - there is no guarantee of how our children will turn out, and when their lives will end.  Given that, there is only one thing I want to do - and that is to love my children, and to enjoy the limited time I have with them.  

But of course, my dear son, you still have to spend part of your holiday working on the basics and strengthening your foundation.  Compared to others who have to go for intensive holiday programmes, I think you have it easy! :)

I love this handwriting workbook I found.
It can keep him productively occupied for hours! ;)

Samuel the Jolly Postman

Today Samuel did a little performance at his kindergarten. He was acting as Jolly Postman, who delivered a letter from Goldilocks to the 'House of bear'. 

Once upon a bicycle, so they say
A jolly postman came one bright Monday morning
From over the hills and far away

I must say that the kindergarten was really creative in its exploration of the Term 4 theme on Jolly Postman.   

First they visited the Philatelic museum. Then of course they had the 'Show and Tell'.

Samuel brought a letter from Manu, our friend from India.

Back in class, they got the children to each make a mailbox for themselves. 

Look at all the colourful mailboxes!

They then took turns to write to each other, and the children in turn played the role of the postman, to deliver the letters into the letterboxes.

These are letters from Samuel's friends.
Sadly, I did not take any photo of his letters to his friends!

Lastly, they did a mini performance based on the theme. The teacher, Mrs Kwek told me that the children were given the freedom to decide on which characters they want to be, and to resolve any conflicts (e.g. if they fight over a certain role) they may have.  Very impressive.

This is their theme board.

The children created their own "postcard" reminders for the parents to attend the performance.

Samuel drew out the "Synopsis"

The children were split into 6 groups, and the performance was done over two days. One of the reason was that there was space contraint in the holding school (the school is part of a church which is being rebuilt). But the outcome was that each child had a substantial number of lines and the parents were delighted and proud of their children.

So here is my little Samuel, the Jolly Postman (only the first part where he "cycled" on his bicycle and when he did his "Rap-a-Tap-Tap!").

I love you, my little postman! :) 

Don't waste my pain

Thank you Straits Times and Joyce Lim for the article "One gang fight, 2 broken mums" in the Sunday Times, yesterday. (Reproduced here on Jarkarta Globe)

Thank you Mrs Ng for sharing the story from your perspective as a mother.  When I first read the news about Darren Ng, the one thing that struck me was that he was a church-going Christian.  As a Christian family who endeavors to bring up godly children, I was curious about who this boy was, and what he was like, and I was glad to finally find out.

The Ng family is similar to ours.  We too are a close-knit, upper-middle class family, and the children have been going to church with us every week since they were a month old.  We serve actively in church, we pray at meal times, and we talk about God all the time.  

This is one of our family devotion times :)
Daddy is playing the guitar and Samuel is enjoying it :)

We read bible verses and pray for people during mealtimes.

Our boys are cheeky like Darren and we enjoy the family.

We were celebrating Samuel's birthday at cell group meeting.  

This week, I heard two statements made by friends.  One quoted this bible verse "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" (2 Corinthians 10:12).  The second is this statement "There is no other way but to get down on your knees and pray".  None of the statements were made in reference to parenting nor children, but they are perfect for this lesson which I am learning.  

The story about Darren humbles me.  It reminds me not to be too proud or over-confident about my parenting skills nor the state of our family relationships. It reminds me again, the one thing I always tell parents - there is no guarantee.  We always do our best for the best outcome in life.  However, there is no guarantee of success.  Our lives and our children's lives are in the hands of God.  We must pray, and ultimately our children's future is determined by their own choices. 

There is much a parent can, and should do, but we must also learn to let go.  Mrs Ng understands that truth well, I believe.  She said that "Life is about choices. My son made the wrong choice... I chose to live.." 

My words will surely sound empty to the family, but I am thankful that Darren had a family who truly cared for him, that he had many years of lovely memories, that he had a dream, and his family supported him in it.  

Samuel brought this back from church just yesterday.
It talks about love and acceptance.

The interview ended with the quote from Mrs Ng "Don't let my pain go to waste".  Thank you, Mrs Ng, for allowing us all to reflect, learn and grow from your pain. 

So my labours are not in vain

So engrossed in studying was he, that he did not know that I had taken a photo. 

Miracles do happen. Tomorrow is Elias' SA2 Science paper and he is studying for it. 

Maybe I am happy over a very minor thing, and everyone's children study.  But MY children have NEVER done any studying on their own accord.  I blame it on my pro-activeness. 

This was taken earlier this year.  Elias and I were working on Chinese. 
We went on a family picnic and I brought some of their work along,
so I could coach them in between their play.
If you were my child, I bet you would have this attitude :
"My mother is constantly pushing me so hard,
why should I work hard on my own?"

We had gone through some Science papers (initiated by me) and he was supposed to sleep early.  But while he was on his bed, and I was reading to Samuel, he asked me what topics he is weak in. I told him 'Cells' and thought nothing of it.  

When I got up from Samuel's bed, a beautiful sight greeted me - he was flipping through his Science Booster trying to find the chapter on 'Cells', but not succeeding.  What would a mother do in such a situation?  She would quickly get the information on 'Cells' and pass it to him!  So I did.  He was delighted and diligently started reading it.  I thought I was in heaven.  I sat next to him, and watched him study.  

For a boy who has to sit for an examination tomorrow, he should be sleeping. But I wanted to enjoy the moment of having (finally!) a self-driven boy who wanted to prepare himself just that little bit more. I also wanted him to enjoy the experience of working hard for something important to him.

Not too long ago, we bought Elias a terrapin. It was a reward for good work done in school - he took about two months to earn it. After about a month of having 'Pebble', Elias told me that out of all his things, the one which he treasures the most is 'Pebble', because he worked hard for it. 

Wow.

This is "Pebble"! This is the first time I have seen it sleeping.  It looked so cute.
Elias is very diligent in feeding it and taking care of it.
(We could not tell whether it is a male or female.  So it is 'it' for now).

As parents, there is nothing that pleases us more than to see our children reach maturity - to understand important values like gratitude, kindness and hard work. We are anxious for them to learn the lessons, and on bad days, we wonder whether they will ever learn.  

But time and time again, I have learnt that many lessons cannot be rushed, and that the children learn much better through their own experiences in life than our nagging or lectures.  

Like all exam periods, these few days have been tough on Elias as I had to be rough with him many times.  I was just glad that tomorrow is Science exams, because at least he enjoys the subject.  However, the last thing I would expect was for him to pick up a book and study.  Once again, my son has shown me that he is made of better stuff.  

So may God bless you tomorrow, Elias, that you will remember all the things which you have studied.  Whatever the outcome of the examinations, I am proud of you.  Thank you for encouraging me, that my labours are not in vain.

They are growing, and so must we

Aa part of his after PSLE activity, I got Elkan to read some of my books.  One book which I thought he might enjoy was Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

For those of you who are not familiar with the book, it is a memoir written by a "Chinese mother" living in America, on how she brought up her two daughters - Sophie and Lulu to score 'A's in school and to become an accomplished young pianist and violinist respectively.  The mother - Amy Chua - had exacting standards, e.g. she threw away the birthday cards her daughters drew for her and made them re-draw them, because they were not good enough.  When her daughters were practicing their music, she would not allow them to even go to the bathroom, till they had perfected the piece of music.

She received quite a lot of criticisms when the book was first published.   But I enjoyed the book when I read it - I thought it was quite hilarious and I could relate to much of it, having learnt the piano, and now being a Chinese mother - though quite different from her.  I understood why she did what she did, and the way she did it, and I respected her drive and willpower.

Anyway, I thought it might make Elkan laugh, and I was interested to know how he would react to her parenting story.

His reaction was way beyond what I imagined it would be.

He was incensed with anger on Lulu's behalf.  ("Good thing they are girls.  I would fight her.")

This was Elkan, at age 6, posing as a T-Rex.
He looks fierce here, but it was a "pretend-fierce"
When talking to me about Amy Chua, he was REALLY fierce...

He was infuriated to the point of tears near the end of the book, and was extremely agitated and tearing when he spoke to me about the story.

"If I were her child, when I grew up, I would tell her - when YOU had the authority (and his eyes were round and big, and his finger was pointing at an imaginary mother), I had to do what YOU thought was best.  Now that YOU  are old, and I have the authority, YOU would have to do what I think is best.  And I would not have any children until you are dead, because I do not want my children to follow what I will do to you (goodness, I wonder what atrocities he was planning to do to this imaginary mom)."  

I tried to offer him Amy Chua's perspective - that everyone needs to work hard to be able to do the things that they like to do, so e.g. maybe the child wanted to be a lawyer so with the mother's training, she could be a lawyer, and do a job which she enjoys.  Then he jumped in saying:

"Well if I were in that type of a family, they will probably say that for a hundred generations, all of us in the family have been successful actors (well, I doubt if any Chinese family would encourage their children to be actors, but that was not the time to try to inform my son of such things... he was enraged and on a roll... ), and you would have to be a successful actor.  So I would probably become a miserable successful actor, when I could have been a happy, successful lawyer" 

Upon which he sobbed his heart out for that poor unhappy successful actor who wanted to be a lawyer.

He said that he was very happy for Lulu when she reacted in the way which she did to her mother at the end of the story. "Serves her right", he said.

Of course in the midst of his ranting, I asked gingerly - err.. am I that kind of mother, whereupon he gently said "no lah".  What a relief. (Phew! So he will probably not torture me when I am old, and I would have a chance of having grandchildren from him).

This is Elkan and me, when he was about three.
Elkan was upset with me about something these two days.
Today when he came back from school I asked him : Are you still my little boy?
He replied : I will always be your little boy.

But I thought his response was very revealing of the transition of our children into their teenage years.

As I have written many times previously - Elkan is the most compliant of all my children. He is a fun-loving and easy-going child. He was bright, curious and teachable - a joy and delight to us - a dream child who was easy to love.  

Elkan loves to laugh.  It was so easy to make him laugh.
He was so so so so cute.

It would be easy for me to assume that he would continue this way through his teenage years to adulthood. But it will not be so.  Some parts of him will remain the same, but some parts will change.  I believe that the man has always been in the child - it is just that he was in a different stage of his life, and he is now going through a maturing process and the man is coming out.

All three of them, from the same father and mother, but oh so different.
How will they all be one day?  

In the end, Elkan agreed that some parts of the "Chinese mother"'s style of parenting are not bad.  He said that he would choose to be in between.  I agree with him.

We ended the discussion on that.  But I think that I do enjoy my growing child.  He is passionate about his beliefs, and I respect him for that.  As I have written previously, it is like birthing him again - it is a new discovery not just for him, but also for us as parents.

Love a child - Teach him to wash his hands

Sponsored Post

One of the reasons I am thankful for my children is that they made me a more loving person.  Somehow when I fell in love with each of them, two things occurred to me.  The first was that everyone was once a child, as lovable as mine was.  The second was that somewhere out there, there is a child, just as lovable as mine was.

Children are so cute! How can anyone not love them?

Since then, every time I read about a child in pain or in trouble, I would wish that I could rescue him/her.  I recall that the first time I met a three year old girl at a Children's home, I wished I could adopt her.

Over time, I have come to realise that although it would good if I have unlimited time and resources so that I could adopt all the children in the world, the better way is really to help the child thrive in his/her natural environment.  That is why I am a parent educator and I work hard at building families and communities.

Believe me, building families and communities can be hard, and heart-breaking work.

Look at all the children!
I participated in the Cardboard challenge.
I wrote about our dear RSS SWECS earlier on.
It took us lots of hardwork, and it broke our hearts when we had to say good bye.

"Happy Children's Day! Welcome!"
I organised a Children's Day Party in our home in my block.
We were all very excited.

I was prepared for 15 children and about 8 families.

In the end only one mother and her three children came
(The baby's is not in the picture).
We are going to have to eat lots of ice cream, and jelly in the next few days...

There is however, one area of my children's lives which I tend to neglect, and that is in the area of their health.

Recently, all three of my children fell sick from stomach flu.  Being such a close family, we easily spread germs to one another.  I must confess that I do not take much care in the cleanliness of my children.  Besides laziness on my part, another reason was that we want the children develop some level of natural immunity.  There was however another reason which was hidden from me till recently.

I came across this piece of information from a Lifebuoy site:-

Every year, more than 2 million children don’t live to see their 5th birthday due to diseases like Diarrhea and Pneumonia. Many of these deaths can be prevented through the simple habit of regular handwashing with soap. 

That was when I realised that I do not insist on certain hygiene habits because I had taken our clean environment and high quality of medical care for granted.  I was sure that the children won't fall sick, and confident that even if they were to fall sick, the doctors will be able to treat them - it may cost money, but it will not be fatal.

It is amazing what information and revelation can do.  Since reading that tiny piece of information and having that epiphany, I had been very diligent in washing my hands, and in getting the children to wash their hands.

The first reason was of course, for my children's own benefit.

First you get some soap.

Then you get rid of the dirt in your fingernails.
"Mum, can you see what I am doing?  You cannot see?  I am blocking you?"

Next, you wash all the yucky things off.

After that, you wipe your hands dry.

Finally, you are done!
"Daaaahhnnn..." (Done).

The second was because I felt guilty that my family is living in such a safe and clean environment, and that I can take cleanliness so lightly and still remain relatively healthy.

I felt that I must do more to help children living without such privileges.  I want to be able to tell them - "Wash your hands with soap! So that you may reach your fifth birthday!"  If I cannot even teach my own children to wash their hands with soap, I don't think I would have the credibility to tell another child that.

I do not travel the world, advocating children to wash their hands.  I do it while at my computer.  For the 5th year running, Unilever, through its Lifebuoy brand, will work with the Millennium Villages Initiative to bring hygiene education to children across 10 countries in Africa. Through this campaign, Unilever hopes to help save young children from potentially fatal diseases caused by poor hand hygiene.

Today is the Global Handwashing Day (GHD), an initiative by Lifebuoy.  Will you too, help a child reach the age of five through handwashing with soap?  Visit the Lifebuoy Handwashing Campaign facebook page, and submit your pledge - it is just a click away.

I always say - there are many ways to love a child.  Building families and communities are some ways.  Helping him/her reach his/her 5th birthday is another.

另一种美

前两天上了一个朋友的博客， 她的博客是以华文编写的。我爱上了她其中一篇文章 － 如果现在我是单身

我特别喜欢的一段是：

如果单身的话我就不会和大叔在一起就没有一个知心的人谈天说笑在生活中相互扶持我也不会有小宝不会经历怀孕生产当妈妈的奇妙感觉不会被自己的宝宝做出各种可爱的表情逗笑

我小时，家里是用华语沟通的。到了中学才开始每天以英语与同学们沟通。时间一久，华文便退步了。现在写这篇文章还得用Google Translator， 和到处请教朋友，真糟糕。

那我为什么要这么辛苦， 用华文写这篇文章呢？

那是因为读了我朋友的博客，提醒了我，华文是个多么美的语言啊！

精通一种语言便是为自己打开一扇门。可惜的是我这个母亲太懒惰了。老大， 老二 小时候， 没给他们的华文打好基础。就好比他们的课本所教的： 万丈高楼平地起。如果底部不稳固，基础打不好，房子迟早会倒的。（你说，多么有韵味的描述啊！）

我是华人，要会说华语！

现在才来要用华语与孩子们沟通好困难哦。要不是得应付考试，我早已放弃了。我这妈妈真是做得不够好！

真感激我们充满智慧的政府，硬硬要国人继续精通双语。救了我们这一家。

我们一家2010年到中国行知小学参加了亲子浸濡一行！
挺好玩的！

今天老大吃午餐时竟然说了一句华文。他说 ： “吃饱了再说吧”

虽然只是简简单单的一句话，但是我好开心喔！

其实，努力教他们华文真的是会看得到成果的。 他们时不时会出乎我预料之外地用一些华文词汇。

比如当我与他们聊关于老师时，他们 竟然用：“宁可杀错，不可放过” 来形容他们老师的惩罚方式。

还有一次，我跟他们说 － 孩子得学会听从父母的话，才能学会服从上帝的话。老大马上说：“不怕官只怕管” 。

孩子们真棒，有时是我们父母小看了他们。

我得感谢我那位博客朋友，和身边以华文与我沟通的朋友。你们的华文太棒了，用的词汇太美了！再一次激发了我对华文的热诚。

我会继续与孩子们一起努力的，因为我希望他们也能像我一样，有能力欣赏另一种美。

朋友们，请你们继续多多指教，多多鼓励！谢谢！

Hopes and dreams - Defining society for future generations

In a recent girls' night out, a friend was asked this question - what are your hopes and dreams for your children?

We did this up for Elias for his 6th birthday party.
He says he wants to be a fighter pilot when he grows up.
That is his dream for himself :)

I am sure we all have hopes and dreams for our children.  But actually it is not an easy question to answer, if we want to go beyond "to be happy and successful".

My earlier post on "Allowing my child to fail" generated so many discussions, that I thought it will be good to write further about it.  Upon reflection, I have decided to write it from the angle of my hopes and dreams for my boys.

Quite a few mothers responded to the post with the view that while we want to allow our child to fail, it is difficult to do that, in our Singapore system.

Yes, it is difficult.  I struggle with my parenting choices all the time, and I think that all through my children's growing-up years, there will be many circumstances which will challenge my way of thinking and my decisions.

But for me, I always try to start with my personal convictions, and move out from there.  Whenever I see myself wavering in my actions and decisions, I will ask myself - do I still hold the same convictions, and are my current actions and decisions in line with them?  If not, I should either change my convictions, or change my actions and decisions.

I hold this value firmly in my heart - that every child is created for a specific purpose and given a specific set of talents so as to enable him/her to fulfill it.  This means firstly, that my style of nurturing is child-centered - my role and goal is to help the child find his dream, and to help him fulfill it through skills training and character formation.  Secondly, this same child-centered nurturing style should be applied on every child.  What the second point means is that every child, regardless of his family circumstances, should be given the chance to thrive in his area of passion.

My boys, whom I love to bits.
You cannot be anything you want to be.
But you can be that ONE thing which you are made to be.

What has this got to do with my hopes and dreams for my children?

My hope firstly, is that my children will similarly be steadfast and have the integrity to align their personal convictions to their actions and decisions.  Secondly, I hope that they will understand the importance of the dignity of each individual and take it upon themselves to help people fulfill their destinies too.

In order to realise these hopes for my children, I must demonstrate my own steadfastness in holding onto my convictions.  In this particular instance, given my convictions, I must believe that every child can thrive even in our Singapore education system.  The best way to demonstrate that belief, is to put my own children through it.

Some mothers also felt that things will not change, until the system changes. I hold a different view.  This was what I wrote in my facebook page:-

"I think that policy makers will embrace anything if it makes political and economic sense to them.  Government will always throw the ball back to the citizens.  For every parent who says he wants less homework, they will bring up examples of parents who want more.  So for the change to happen, the tide must turn.  If as individuals - parents like us - we are not willing to take the risk of having our children fail, I don't think that the Government will take the risk of the nation going that way.  The change won't come top-down.  I believe it can happen bottom-up". 

This is a difficult choice for any parent to make. It is always easier for us to take risks with our own life than with our children's lives.  Yet, is failing in school that bad?

A friend said that the school is a risky place to fail.  I think that school is the place where the child learns and I would rather he learns to deal with failure as a student than later in life.  If failing in the Singapore education system is so serious and painful, that makes it an excellent place to learn.  Without consequences, we will not learn.  The more painful the consequences, the more the lesson will stick. (The issue is also not about whether the child gets discouraged from the failure.  The issue is about whether the parent continues to encourage and affirm the child of his worth.)

In any case, I also wrote this:-

"Many "fail" in school today, and not everyone of them turn "bad" or fail in life - they just walk a different path.  I have heard that the Normal (N) and Normal Tech (NT) students are the ones who are most grateful to teachers - the Express stream students, or those from the top schools feel that for teachers to teach them, it is their job.  It is the N and NT students who will come back and appreciate the teachers for the life lessons they taught them.  I find that sad, and if going into Express will make my child that way, I would rather he not do so well."

There is nothing wrong with wanting our children to do well in school.  In fact, we should always encourage our children to excel in everything that they do.  However, we have it do it with the understanding and acceptance that every child is made differently.  The pursuit of good academic results is not wrong.  It is the relentless pursuit of academic success as the be all and end all, which is the problem.

I do not know how long it will take for things to change in Singapore.  If it does not happen under my watch, my hope is that it will happen under my children's watch.  If it does not happen under my children's watch, my hope is that it will happen under their children's watch.

In reaction to the post, another friend shared about her mother's differing academic expectations of her brother and herself.  Her mother expected her to do better in her studies than her brother.  The reason was that the mother knows that she is more able than her brother.  I am impressed that the mother had understood the importance of accepting and nurturing her children in their area of strengths and I am amazed that she had no gender bias, something which runs counter to the Asian culture, at least during those times.  My friend was inspired by her mother to be a different sort of mother.  I hope my children will be inspired the same way through the way they are being brought up.

Do I have any nagging regrets?  Yes I do.  Now that I am looking through the thick book on "Choosing your Secondary Schools", I wonder whether I should have worked harder at registering my children in a brand-name school with affiliation so they have a better chance of getting into a higher-ranked secondary school.  I am fully aware of the advantages (and that is not just in the area of good academic results) of being in a brand-name school, as I wrote earlier (PSLE - Social Leveller).

Again, I check back with my convictions - do I still believe that my child has an equal chance of success, no matter what school he goes to?

I have an answer, but it is not direct, and it is not from looking at the circumstances around me.  My answer reflects my hopes and dreams, for my children, for all children, and the world in which they live.  I believe that every child must have an equal chance of success, no matter what school he goes to, no matter what the circumstances of his childhood are.

So I will let my child walk the same path, that many ordinary children of ordinary parents walk.  I will strive with him, and pray that his life will demonstrate the fulfillment of that conviction.

I want to define society, and not let society define me.  I want to do it through my own life, and through the lives of the generations after me.  My hope is that my children will do the same.

PS : I found this excellently written blogpost by Christy at the Unhealthy Obsession with Happiness on the same topic, from the perspective of a young person. 

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