The village

Introduction

'It takes a village to raise a child' is an African quote made popular by Hilary Clinton who wrote a book by that name.  In her book, she said that it is up to all of us, as a culture, to ensure that our children are well-cared for.  Strangely, it was another book, with a very different focus that confirmed that belief for me, although it came as quite a shock at first. 

In 'The Tipping point', Malcolm Gladwell quoted from Judith Harris' argument and says that:

"peer influence and community influence are more important than family influence in determining how children turn out.  Studies of juvenile delinquency and high school drop-out rates, for example, demonstrate that a child is better off in a good neighbourhood and a troubled family than he or she is in a troubled neighbourhood and a good family."

Immediately after I read it, I was in a mini state of shock.  It was rather devastating, for a mother who tried her best to give her children her best and her all, to read that what I can do seemed to matter so little to my children's life and future.  The good news is, I have found an answer to my seemingly state of helplessness, which I will share another time in the blog. 

What is clear to me, however, is that my children do not live in a vacuum, and as they grow up, the level of influence my husband and I have over them will decrease.  We will have lesser and lesser control over what they see, hear and say, and how they will decide and act.  We as parents, therefore, must be part of a larger community, which will help to raise our children. 

This community may be something we have a more active influence over, for example our extended family or cell group.   Or it may be something we have little influence over, for example their schools or the nation.  One thing for sure, our children's village is getting bigger every day, with greater connectivity and faster information flow.  This village will raise our children, whether we want it to, or whether we like it or not.  This column is dedicated to this larger community. ~ Elisa

Wisdom from the mouths of babes

Introduction
 

Part of being a good parent requires us to understand the perspective of the child - the ability to see the world through his/her eyes.
This column contains the precious thoughts of the children in our lives.  We share them, with the hope of helping you understand your own children and in so doing, reach their hearts.

Soul Food

Introduction

Someone once said this : "In five years time, you will be the same person, except for the people you meet and the books you read".  As a student and as a young adult, I loved to read.  I enjoyed new thoughts and living through the experiences of others.  But I have found that as parents, we need to read.  We read so that we can keep up with the evolving minds of our children, who are being bombarded daily with new ideas and perspectives.  We read so that we can tell them about new things which we are learning everyday.  We read so that they will be lifelong learners too.  This column is dedicated to the collective wisdom of the human mind, of people who saw the world through different lenses and who enriched our lives with their stories.

From a mummy's heart

Introduction

Once, in preparation for an interview on 'Zao An Ni Hao', I was asked this question: "What is one thing which you feel that a mother should do more of?"  My reply was that a mother needs to learn to love herself more. 

Taking care of the children's needs, surprisingly, came naturally to me.  It was surprising because I had never been a very affectionate or sacrificial person (my husband can testify to that!).  However, when the children came, I found that I was willing to lay down my life for them, and take care of their every need, whims and fancies and attend to them 24/7.  In fact, I relished motherhood so much that I did it three times and my only regret was having decided to stop at three. 

I suspect that many mothers are the same - willing to pour out all their time and energy, youth and love into the lives of their children.  I know of many mothers who do much more, much better than me. 

This column is dedicated to these mothers.  Mothers, you are special and you deserve love and appreciation from your husband, your children, and most of all, yourself. 

For better or for worse

Introduction

I once watched a 'Chicken soup' movie, about a boy whose parents were fighting and contemplating divorce.  At the 'Parent-Teacher-Conference', they saw a picture drawn by the son.  It was a drawing of a sad boy, who stood in between his parents.  What was written on the picture was this "I can't love mummy, because daddy doesn't.  I can't love daddy, because mummy doesn't".

I do not remember the ending of the story and it will be naive to think that a relationship that has been breaking down for years, is so easily mended. However, the words of the son have always stayed with me.  I believe, that no matter how the father or the mother is, as a husband and wife, or even whether they were good fathers/mothers, they are always the children's first true love.  Children never stop loving their parents.  When children see the loss of love between the two people whom they love most, they lose something inside them - there is a sadness that does not go away. 

This column is not to criticise those who have separated. It is for fathers and mothers who are having it tough but still holding on.  It may be a tough day, a tough month or a tough many years.  If you are willing, stay together, one day at a time.  Do it not just for the children.  Do it for yourself.  There is always hope. 

Change from the Inside Out

Introduction

As we raise our children, our children raise us.  I first heard this statement from a video titled "Sacred Parenting".  When I first became a mother, I became aware that I now existed for more than myself - another human being is now dependent on me for his life.  Little did I know what that really meant.  In time, it dawned on me that another human being is now dependent on me for the formation of values which would guide his life.

As Edmund and I grew as parents, we became more and more unsure about ourselves.  We realised that we were not good enough! We are not honest enough ("Why do you tell the 'Karang Guni' man that we have nothing to sell?  I thought we have lots of newspapers?"), we are not humble enough and we practice double standards ("Why is YOUR table in a mess?"). 

As our children grew, and the parenting challenges increase, we had to admit to ourselves that we must become better people.  We cannot expect our child to be a better person than we are - we must first become that person whom we want them to be - or at least be seen as doing our best to get there.  We have to be authentic, and we must change from the inside out.

Our children are raising us, and this column contains stories of the lessons which our children are teaching us, and how we are becoming better people, because of them. ~ Elisa

Bringing up Boys

Introduction

Why God made little boys

God made a world out of his dream, 
Of wondrous mountains, oceans and streams,
Prairies and plains and wooded land,
Then paused and thought,
"I need someone to stand on top of the mountains
To conquer the seas, explore the plains and
Climb the trees, someone to start small and grow,
Sturdy, strong like a tree and so... He created boys, full of spirit and fun,
To explore and conquer, to romp and run,
With dirty faces, banged up chins
With courageous hearts and boyish grins."
When He had completed the task He'd begun,
He surely said, "That's a job well done."
~ Anonymous

When I became a mother of my first boy, I chanced upon this poem "Why God made little boys".  I fell in love with it, and looked forward to the day when my boy would explore and conquer.  Soon, I became a mother to the second and third boy.  Everyday, I see them full of spirit and fun, but with each passing day, I have to look harder for the little boys I once knew. 

As parents, our endeavour is to raise boys who will be strong in heart and spirit and be a protector and defender of all that is true and right.  This column is dedicated to that worthy cause.