So it was just mummy guilt

Mummy guilt, I am sure every mother has suffered from that.  The nagging thought that you could have done more or done better, that you should have known, or that you should have tried harder.

I had many episodes of these, but a few in particular haunt me.

There was the time in Jarkarta when Elkan was just 9 mths old. We were already training him to sleep on his own and he was accustomed to that.  However, that first night in Jakarta, he kept crawling over to me, to sleep next to me.  It was probably due to a sudden blackout which happened earlier in the night and traumatised him.

Despite the knowledge of that, I stubbornly refused to let him sleep next to me, for fear that it will 'spoil' him and undo all the months of work we did. He crawled to me again and again, crying and reaching out to me. 

He was happy here. He was not, in the darkness of the night.
He wanted his mummy, but his mummy rejected him.   

I put him back again and again, until finally, he fell asleep from exhaustion. (*BAD MOMMY!!!*)

Then there was the time when I force-fed Samuel (between 4-6 months old) some milk, only to realise later that it had been left out for more than 24 hours. It must have turned bad and that was why he refused to drink. (*LOUSY MOMMY!!!*)

He was so small, what does he know?

Sigh.  

Most recently it was the realisation that Elkan's primary school days were over, and that he had not had much accomplishments. I always wished we had continued his Piano, Swimming and Chess lessons.  He would have gotten at least a Grade 5 in Piano, and Gold in swimming and received more than just a Merit medal for his Chess competitions.  

Of all my children, Elkan required the least of my attention and so he received the least.  He was none the worse for the lesser attention but I always wondered whether he would have done better for his PSLE if I had given him more. Having these thoughts made me feel worse because I wondered why I was so mercenary. 

Suddenly however, I realised that I was simply feeling mummy guilt, and strangely enough, once I realised that, I felt much better.  

I did not fail my child.  The reason I thought I did was because I measured myself against a mother who had perfect knowledge and limitless amount of energy.  That is what mummy guilt is - an emotion borne out of an unrealistic expectation of myself as a mother.  

So I moved on, went for a lovely holiday, and lo and behold, when we came back, we found a letter.  

Apparently, Elkan was given an Eagle's Award, given to students who "display outstanding leadership qualities, contribute to voluntary work in the community and school, or excel in co-curricular activities".  It was certainly unexpected and therefore brought tears to my eyes.  

Elkan was delighted when he read the letter.
He was so proud of himself.  I felt so happy for him.

Like a year ago, when Elias received the Good Progress Award, this was an affirmation of me as a mother, illogical though it may be (because I think he would have achieved it with or without me, since I did little for him).  

Elkan has got his posting for secondary school too.  At the end of the day, I think that the school which he has been posted to, is the best choice for him, and he would be happy there.  

Life has lots of "might have beens" but I have so much to be thankful for.  Mummy guilt will always be with me, because being a parent is such an awesome responsibility. May it be a positive energy for me. 

Today is my test

In 3 hours time, we are going to receive Elkan's PSLE results.  I am very nervous.

This is Elkan standing outside his P6 classroom.

This is Elkan (he is at the back, first one from the left) outside his P1 classroom.
Time flies!

Close to 30 years ago, when I received my PSLE results, it was a happy day for my parents.  My parents stayed in a 3-room flat.  They did not even complete their primary school education.  My mother used to tell me stories of how my father would run away from school, and how she could never remember anything that she studied, even though she tried very hard.

It was beyond their wildest dream to have children who enjoyed learning, and who were good students.  But my brother and I fulfilled their dreams.  We enjoyed learning, and we did well in our studies.  Eventually we entered into NUS and the family portrait which my parents proudly hang in their living room featured four graduates (our spouses too, graduated from NUS).

Earlier this week I attended a "Our SG Conversations" dialogue.  I enjoyed it very much, simply because it reminded me so much of my past life -  the flip charts, the post-its and the sweets in the middle of the table.  I was happy to have met new friends - people whom I may not never otherwise have met because we move in different circles, brought together by a passion for Singapore, and a desire to make a difference.

At the end of the session, BG Chan Chun Sing, Acting Minister for Community Development, Youth and Sports summed up his impression of the whole session.  One of the things he shared was this picture.

The Y-axis represents wealth.  The X-axis represents all of us.

His point was this.  We are all at different points of the new curve - some are richer, some are poorer, but as a whole, and even as individuals, we are better off now than where our parents were in the past.  He implied that we should simply look at what we have, and not what we do not have, and adjust our expectations.

I think that he is wrong in one aspect.  Mankind does not, and should not assess our progress from a standard baseline.  Each generation desires to do better than the earlier.  We always stand on the shoulders of our ancestors and our past.  That is progress. It is not necessarily for personal gain, but an instinctive desire of each generation to leave behind something better for the next.

There is nothing wrong with being hungry for success (the Government laments that our young people do not have enough of that).  But it is wrong to expect it to be easy and to complain when it seems too difficult, because no one, not even the paternalistic and capable Singapore Government owes us success and happiness in life.

I do not know whether today will be a happy day for me.  Will today be a day of reward and affirmation for me as a parent, or will today be a day of test?  If he does much better than expected, it will be a day of reward and affirmation.  If he does as expected (I had adjusted my expectations to minimise disappointment.  Yes, I am a wimp when it comes to this), it will be a day of test.  It will be a test of whether I have integrity, whether I truly love my child unconditionally, whether any disappointment which I might feel is merely a momentary emotional reaction or a revelation of my true self.

I have a brilliant child here, whom I chose to give space to learn and grow instead of drilling him.  It represented six years of intentional parenting, but it also represented many moments and periods of careless parenting.  It represented more than two years (and counting) of my working life traded for the future of my children.

I am sorry, BG Chan, it is not as simple as looking at where I am compared to my parents, and where my children are compared to me.  The question is - have I create enough value from what I was given?  I was given so much more in life, through my parents' pain and sacrifices, and it will not be right for me to squander the inheritance of education and social capital they had given to me.  I need to ensure it is multiplied, through my life and my children's lives.

"Hey, my kite is there!"
When I look at you, my dear son, I see my future.
For even after I die, I will live through you.

But no, the measure of my life as a parent, and his life, even as a student, is not determined by the Aggregate score.  But it is easy to think that it is, especially in the frenzy of today.  That is why I say it is a test, and that is why I am nervous.

They are growing, and so must we

Aa part of his after PSLE activity, I got Elkan to read some of my books.  One book which I thought he might enjoy was Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

For those of you who are not familiar with the book, it is a memoir written by a "Chinese mother" living in America, on how she brought up her two daughters - Sophie and Lulu to score 'A's in school and to become an accomplished young pianist and violinist respectively.  The mother - Amy Chua - had exacting standards, e.g. she threw away the birthday cards her daughters drew for her and made them re-draw them, because they were not good enough.  When her daughters were practicing their music, she would not allow them to even go to the bathroom, till they had perfected the piece of music.

She received quite a lot of criticisms when the book was first published.   But I enjoyed the book when I read it - I thought it was quite hilarious and I could relate to much of it, having learnt the piano, and now being a Chinese mother - though quite different from her.  I understood why she did what she did, and the way she did it, and I respected her drive and willpower.

Anyway, I thought it might make Elkan laugh, and I was interested to know how he would react to her parenting story.

His reaction was way beyond what I imagined it would be.

He was incensed with anger on Lulu's behalf.  ("Good thing they are girls.  I would fight her.")

This was Elkan, at age 6, posing as a T-Rex.
He looks fierce here, but it was a "pretend-fierce"
When talking to me about Amy Chua, he was REALLY fierce...

He was infuriated to the point of tears near the end of the book, and was extremely agitated and tearing when he spoke to me about the story.

"If I were her child, when I grew up, I would tell her - when YOU had the authority (and his eyes were round and big, and his finger was pointing at an imaginary mother), I had to do what YOU thought was best.  Now that YOU  are old, and I have the authority, YOU would have to do what I think is best.  And I would not have any children until you are dead, because I do not want my children to follow what I will do to you (goodness, I wonder what atrocities he was planning to do to this imaginary mom)."  

I tried to offer him Amy Chua's perspective - that everyone needs to work hard to be able to do the things that they like to do, so e.g. maybe the child wanted to be a lawyer so with the mother's training, she could be a lawyer, and do a job which she enjoys.  Then he jumped in saying:

"Well if I were in that type of a family, they will probably say that for a hundred generations, all of us in the family have been successful actors (well, I doubt if any Chinese family would encourage their children to be actors, but that was not the time to try to inform my son of such things... he was enraged and on a roll... ), and you would have to be a successful actor.  So I would probably become a miserable successful actor, when I could have been a happy, successful lawyer" 

Upon which he sobbed his heart out for that poor unhappy successful actor who wanted to be a lawyer.

He said that he was very happy for Lulu when she reacted in the way which she did to her mother at the end of the story. "Serves her right", he said.

Of course in the midst of his ranting, I asked gingerly - err.. am I that kind of mother, whereupon he gently said "no lah".  What a relief. (Phew! So he will probably not torture me when I am old, and I would have a chance of having grandchildren from him).

This is Elkan and me, when he was about three.
Elkan was upset with me about something these two days.
Today when he came back from school I asked him : Are you still my little boy?
He replied : I will always be your little boy.

But I thought his response was very revealing of the transition of our children into their teenage years.

As I have written many times previously - Elkan is the most compliant of all my children. He is a fun-loving and easy-going child. He was bright, curious and teachable - a joy and delight to us - a dream child who was easy to love.  

Elkan loves to laugh.  It was so easy to make him laugh.
He was so so so so cute.

It would be easy for me to assume that he would continue this way through his teenage years to adulthood. But it will not be so.  Some parts of him will remain the same, but some parts will change.  I believe that the man has always been in the child - it is just that he was in a different stage of his life, and he is now going through a maturing process and the man is coming out.

All three of them, from the same father and mother, but oh so different.
How will they all be one day?  

In the end, Elkan agreed that some parts of the "Chinese mother"'s style of parenting are not bad.  He said that he would choose to be in between.  I agree with him.

We ended the discussion on that.  But I think that I do enjoy my growing child.  He is passionate about his beliefs, and I respect him for that.  As I have written previously, it is like birthing him again - it is a new discovery not just for him, but also for us as parents.

To be born again

As my child approaches his teenage years, I am starting to worry about whether he will continue to believe in all that I have taught him, or whether he will discard them all, and choose another way of thinking.

Has it been so many years already?  

The signs are there. He is not as compliant, he asks more 'Whys', and he says more 'Nos'. I find my little boy slowly becoming a stranger.

Today as I was talking to him, I had a revelation. This is what I told him.

"Before you turn thirteen, you are under our spiritual covering and protection.  You willingly obey us, you trust us completely, and do what we tell you to do, because you are still a child, and your obedience is a form of protection for you.

As you grow older, you will want to make your own decisions, and do things your own way.  That's alright, that's natural and papa and mama want you to be able to do that.

But what that means is that you need to be connected to God yourself.  This is so that you can make the right decisions.  If you want to walk out of our protection, you need to find your own.

Mama knows, and you can trust me, that it is very scary making decisions without God's wisdom.  There are some days when I am confused, I don't know what to do, and I know that it's because, God's wisdom and His presence is not with me" 

He looked at me, seemingly understanding what I said, but I believe that he is still deciding whether to accept this counsel, the way he had done in the past.  I felt the beginning of the end of a season in my life and a change in my relationship with my child.

Ready, Get Set, Go!
Now it's just dress rehearsal, with the harness.
You're going to be in the game of life soon.

At that moment, I had a sense, that I am pregnant again, that I had to re-birth my child, into the new stage of his life.

I don't know whether this realisation came too late, and that I have been too complacent over my understanding of my child.

But I have once been told, and I believe it - that it is never too late.  So long as there is life, there is always hope.

I know that I must go through this period of gestation, and go through the labour pains again. 

May he be birthed with a new heart - an adult, mature heart - yet as pure as a child's.

PSLE - social leveller

Today I wrote a letter to Chua Mui Hoong, who wrote the excellent article "A place for exams as social leveller" in the Sunday Times.

Instead of writing a full blog post, I shall just re-produce my letter to her:-

"Dear Ms Chua

I really enjoyed your article.  So many parts of your article spoke to me.  


Firstly, I agree wholeheartedly with you on your overall message, that children with certain background naturally benefit from a certain type of assessment.


Like you, I grew up in a Chinese-speaking home.  Unlike you, I never won any scholarship, but some parts of my experience were similar. I did well enough at PSLE to get into a good Convent school.  The adjustment was difficult for me.  Due to my poor spoken English and less privileged background (my friends' parents were lawyers and pilots and stayed in landed properties), I was much less confident and was labelled as not "hungry" for success, and disengaged.  When I read about your scholarship interview and how you were faulted for not reading the ST, I understand how aggrieved you might have felt.  I felt that many times in my secondary school days.  

Nonetheless, I did well at my 'O' levels.  When I did well enough to be offered the Humanities program at College, my classmates were incredulous.  I chose not to do it because I did not have the confidence that I was really that good.  I benefited socially in Junior College due to my Convent background, although it was only for 4 years.  That confidence and self-assurance from that 4 years of so-called "elite" education followed me through my college, university and working years.

In short, the advantage that children from privileged background have, is real, and I experienced the lack of it, and subsequently the existence of the halo effect of a privileged environment, although it was only for a short 4 years.

As such, I agree with your opinion that the national examinations should stay, whatever advantage it also gives to children from privileged background.  

I have three sons, the eldest taking his PSLE this year.  He is much more privileged than me, although not very much so because we live in a HDB and we do not travel widely - we are among the grassroots.  He struggles with Mother Tongue and he is having a fever right now, in the midst of his PSLE.  I think that he is a bright boy (he once topped his class and level for Maths and Science respectively), but he is inconsistent in producing good results at examinations.  He wants to do well for his PSLE, to get into the school of his choice, but he is an immature child, and is not all the time diligent or careful.  

We do not have high hopes for him to do very well, and we can blame it on the school system or PSLE.

However, we accept the outcome, whatever it is.  He was not the most hardworking of students and we did not pump in the most amount of money for tuition, nor did we get the most effective tutor for him for all subjects for all his schooling years, so it cannot be said that we have done our utmost to help him, nor that he has put in his best effort for all 6 years.  

He will simply reap what we have sowed, though we pray for favour and miracles.  

We have chosen to let him have a balanced life, and we are grateful for the education which he received, and the lessons he learnt about life, through spending time in school with teachers and friends.  

I appreciate articles like yours, because, to put it bluntly, it introduces some sense into the whole national conversation about PSLE, examinations and the education system. 

I think that we tend to get too carried away by how our children fare in their day in court - whether it is the national examinations, a project presentation, or even a piano recital or sports competition. We want our children to succeed all the time, and the truth is, we want to review any system which is not advantageous to our own children.  

We can never find a system that will help all the children succeed all the time, and that should not even be the aim.  What we need is a system which can help the child discover himself and learn the best way he can.  The real test comes when he grows up, and when he faces real life challenges."

Just get me the marks!

This is the last lap for Elkan and me, for PSLE 2012.

At this stage, it is about one thing, and one thing alone - MARKS.

I kind of enjoy this time actually.  We just go through examination papers, review common mistakes and learn examination techniques.  I think that it is a bit too late to teach content at this point, so that reduces the stress by quite a lot.

He is doing Maths. 
He is smiling because he is amused by how he is using a set square, instead of a ruler to draw.
Strange, ya?  But that's not as a result of stress.  That is just him. 

Obviously he still makes silly mistakes and there are still things he does not know - even simple things.

How "clever" of him...

But what can I do?  The natural response is to scream "You mean you don't know this?!  Now?!  At this stage?!  What else don't you know?!" (yes, yes, it is something which I have done before).  But it does not help the child, and any kind of response from him will only invite more scolding.  The poor child just has to bear the brunt of my fury and anxiety and hope the storm blows over soon.

Now, having come to my senses (and having resigned myself to the situation), I just look at him, with a silent chide in the air.  He will either respond with an embarrassed laugh, or he will mumble contritely - I am sorry, depending on how he reads me.

It is a nice time because I get the chance to spend much more time with Elkan.  Usually I don't spend much time doing work with him because he is an independent worker and learns fast.  His need for my attention is low, although he enjoys talking to me.

Our recent "Study" times always end with me pretending to be the child, and he pretending to be the mum.

Me : "Aiya, so dumb, have to write so much..."

Him : "Why do you say it's so dumb?"

Me : "Because like that is enough already what..."

Him : "You won't get all the marks."

Me : "Why won't I get all the marks?"

Him : "You left out some parts."

Me : "I wrote the answer what, not necessary to write the rest!"

Him : "You think it is not necessary, but like it or not, it is necessary."

Me : "Why the exams so troublesome, must write all these things..."

Him : "The examiner doesn't know that you know, and the examiner wants to know whether you know, and he is not going to give you the benefit of the doubt, so you must write down everything, so he knows that you know and gives you the mark.  Just do it, and get the marks, ok?" (I would have done it with an exclamation and a bang on the table). 

Me (satisfied) : "Ok"

All the best to all who are taking the PSLE! May your long-suffering mother and teachers' good advice be with you!

I will teach you in ways you can understand

Today is the last class which Samuel will be taking at Berries.  真是有点儿不舍得。One of the reasons we stopped is because Samuel does not really like his current class. At first it was the teacher he did not like, later it was another student.  Whatever it is, it has been increasingly difficult coaxing him to go to class.

It is sad because actually he has a favourite teacher (who taught him last year) whose class is unfortunately fully booked.  I have resorted to letting him skip his own class, and putting him into her class as "replacement classes".   He happily goes for her class, no matter how tired and sleepy he might be.

Thank you 曹老师.  Perhaps like you said, Samuel and you have 眼缘
Whatever it is, thank you for teaching and caring for him.

Today when I told him that this will be his last class, he went - "Huh? Why?" - with a tinge of shock and sadness in it.  I was surprised. He seemed sad to have to say good bye to her.  I think he really likes her, and would continue even though Berries is difficult for him.

This shows how much difference a teacher can make.

It is difficult to find excellent teachers who can really turn your child around.  Elkan and Elias' English Creative writing (tuition) teacher is one of them.  I started Elkan with her first, for about six months.  Recently, I begged her to take Elias in too.  She agreed.  In my "brief" to her, I told her that Elias is very mischievous.

After about three lessons, I asked Elias whether he has been behaving well in her class.  To my surprise, he said that he is very quiet in her class.  That is so uncharacteristic of Elias, so I asked him why.  What he told me was such a revelation.  He said :"She is so funny that I cannot (afford to) be mischievous.  If I am, I might miss out the fun".

He further analysed the school situation for me.  He said that he is not mischievous in XXX's class because she tells interesting stories and is quite nice.  He is also not mischievous in XXX's class because she can be funny and is VERY fierce.  He is mischievous in XXX's class because it is so boring, and lastly, he hates XXX's class because she is VERY strict (and not funny I suppose...).

Elias wrote this to his P1 teacher, when he was in P2.
Over the years, I would meet her in the school.
She would ask after him and say he was very cute.
I believe that what Elias wrote about her is true.
She cared for him, and he felt it and knew it.

Anyway, I sent an sms message to his English creative writing (tuition) teacher because I thought she would like to hear what Elias said about her class.  Her reply was sweet.  She said it warmed her heart, that Elias is attentive and polite, and that she will certainly enjoy teaching him.

I do not expect every teacher to be like that.  It is a pity, but everyone is made differently.  I am sure there are many dedicated teachers who work very hard, but perhaps just do not have that "magic".

I am just happy that my children had the experience of being taught by teachers who inspired them to give of their best.

I read about Rebecca Mieliwocki who was named "US Teacher of the Year".  She said this:-

"The families sent you their children, their most precious resource, and you are responsible for sending them back better.  They have to come through their experience with you a changed person.  If the only change was that they could master a test, you've failed the whole child".

That is such a lovely statement.  However I don't think excellent teachers set out to teach children values (which makes it all the more remarkable, because it means that it is sincere and real and it comes from the inside out).  They endeavor to teach their students the skills which they were supposed to teach, be it English, Chinese, Maths or Science.  But I believe that their characters and personalities are so attractive, that the students are shaped simply by listening to and watching them.

I appreciate these teachers not just for what they did to help my child learn, either about the subject or about life.

"I will tell you, in words you can hear and understand, the life lessons you need to know"
- Quoted from "Lists to live by for every caring family" - 

I appreciate these teachers because they helped me to understand my children and showed me the level of excellence which they are capable of.  They had taken my most precious resource and showed me how much more valuable they actually are and can be.

That, to me, is the fulfilled calling of a teacher.

Formula for 11 times table

It is strange, but these two days, Elkan has been saying lots of "I'm so smart!" to himself and no one in particular.  I asked him whether he is doing it because he is stressed, but he said that he does it quite often (so I probably was not observant enough).

Actually as early as when he was in nursery, he used to praise himself when he was doing his work.  ("Clever boy, Elkan!", he would say. ) It was strange, but for a 3 year old boy, we thought it was very cute.

Anyway, yesterday he wrote this out, and was very proud of himself. ("Look mum, I'm so smart!")

I thought I should write it out here, because I may lose the piece of paper he wrote it on...

Formula for 11 times table for 10 to 90

There are two formulas for two types of situation.  Example A is simpler, and to be used if the sum of the two digits is less than 10.  Example B involves more steps and is to be used if the sum of the two digits is more than 10 (See examples to understand).

Example A : 43 x 11 

Step 1 : 4 + 3 = 7 (less than 10)
Step 2 : Stuff the 7 between the 2 numbers.
Answer : 473

Example B : 87 x 11 (this method has to be used if the answer for Step 1 is 10 or more)

Step 1 : 8 + 7 = 15 (more than 10)
Step 2 : 15 - 10 = 5 (i.e. you take the sum from Step 1, and minus 10 from it.  "10 is the magic number" our little mathematician says)
Step 3 : 8 + 1 = 9 (i.e. you take the first number and add a "1" (another magic number I suppose..)).
Step 4 : Put 9, 5, and 7 in order (i.e. the answer from Step 3, followed by answer from Step 2, followed by the second digit)
Answer : 957

I don't see how Example B is a short cut - it seemed rather complicated to me.  Maybe that is because I don't understand Maths.  Elkan certainly had fun figuring it out.

Allowing my child to fail

From left to right : Members of Parliament Dr Intan Azura Mokhtar, Indranee Rajah,
Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong, Sharon Tong, and  Education Minister Heng Swee Keat.

I managed to catch snippets of the recent Conversations with PM, and the discussions were on having children, education and the future of Singapore.  One thing which Dr Intan Azura Mokhtar said stayed in my mind "I would encourage parents... let the child discover himself or herself through school, through failure, it's ok".

When I first heard it, I thought - Wow - can any parent really do this?

But I always encounter situations when I am shown, right before my eyes, the detrimental effects of not allowing children to fail, and therefore robbing them of the opportunity to learn and grow. Here's the story.

Today is an eventful day for me, to say the least.  Among the many things that happened, Elkan called me at 10am to tell me that he had forgotten (yet again), to bring his completed homework to school.  It consisted of 2 full Maths paper 2, and 2 full English papers, which means close to 8 hours' worth of work.  He asked me to bring the work to him. 

We are in our final days of revision before the PSLE starts in less than 2 weeks' time.  The teachers are on a fast-pace to get the children to do as many practice papers as possible, and they go through the answers in the class.  If Elkan does not bring his papers, it means that he would have lost the opportunity to get the correct answers for those hours of work he did.  In short, he would be wasting this "public education" which is all that he has for many of his subjects.  The kiasu parent in me screamed:"What if those questions come out for the PSLE?! Then all his classmates will know the answer, and he would not!"

This is NOT the first time this happened, but it was the first time he asked for my help, which means that this time, I can save him those hours of work, and help ensure that he learns his Maths and English.  What should a parent do? 

For me, I looked at which option will help my child learn and grow more, in the long run. 

Elkan is a sweet, simple child.  He always smiles for the camera.
He is happy, simply with a good foodcourt meal. He tells me - he just wants to be happy. 

I have three boys who have very different strengths and weaknesses. Elkan needs no help in learning. He is by nature diligent and can be focused. He is willing to work, but being still a child, is immature and gets distracted. However, he would need a lot of help to score well for his IMPENDING PSLE. He simply was never drilled sufficiently for examinations. He is also a tad on the arrogant side and tends to disregard sound advice on how to answer accordingly to ensure that he can score.

Given a child like this - his final days before the PSLE are critical because these are the only times he is going to learn the art of acing examinations. Yet this is a case of serious irresponsibility on his part.

We have rescued him before.  Last year, his Green Wave project stalled.
We enlisted his brother - Elias (who is in the same school), so he can do a group project.
To confess, I helped him a lot in it...  

It was a difficult call, but I told Elkan, mercilessly, that I will not send him the homework. It is certainly very distressing for me. No matter how much I focus on the wholistic development of my children, I do want my children to do well academically. I am aware of the implications of poor PSLE results. I am aware of my sense of guilt and doubt if his results were to be disappointing.  Of course rationally, these two weeks and those 8 hours of questions are unlikely to be the cause of any downfall for him, but no mother can be completely rational when it comes to her child.

Then again, I think that parents, myself included, sometimes sweat the small stuff too much. Many may disagree with me - and say that PSLE is not small stuff. I agree. It is not small stuff. But I think in this instance, for Elkan, it is a small stuff. I know my child - I am confident of his self-esteem. He thinks he is incredibly smart and doing badly in PSLE will show him the reality that intelligence can only carry someone so far. He would be sorely disappointed of course, but I doubt if it would crush him.

Anyway, my decision and its implications remained distressing to me, until something more distressing happened.

I will not share the details as it involved someone else and is private, but it suffices to say that it involved a certain young adult and it gave me a vivid image of a child who was not brought up to understand personal responsibility.  The incident was so troubling that it strengthened my resolve to teach my children right values from young.

The value which I was determined for Elkan to learn in this instance is that he alone is responsible for his own life - his success and happiness. As his parents - we will provide for him, love, teach and train him when he is young, and forever be his friend and prayer intercessors. However, he must learn that his every action has a consequence.  If it is a bad consequence, no one else, including his parents, can rescue him from it.

More than a month ago, I read this excellent article in the ST, titled "Snowplough Parenting - Hurdles in childhood give good training" by Simon Chesterman, Dean of the NUS Faculty of Law.  He described "Snowplough Parenting" as parents who clear away any potential obstacle in the child's path. 

I love this picture, taken from the ST article.
It depicts so well the efforts many of us put in to ensure
an optimal environment for our children to do well in school.

In his article, he talked about Singaporean students' "unhealthy fear of failure".  He used the Olympics as an example:-

"..the individual achievements of the Olympics are actually built on failure.

No one wins a god medal without having struggled against opponents who were stronger. And the Olympics would be pointless if the only people who took part were those who knew for a certainty that they would take home gold.

The reason we care about the Olynpics - and a quality we need to develop in our own lives - is the struggle to do your best without knowing if it will be enough. To know the risk of failure, and keep trying anyway." 

I also like what he said at the end : "The problem with snowplough parenting is that it creates the illusion of success by over-preparing our children for a very limited set of tasks."

I don't think that Elkan will suffer from having the illusion of success and I don't think anyone can accuse me of over-preparing him for the PSLE. 

As I watch him diligently doing his work again (another 4 hours worth of work), disappointed with himself, sorry for his errors, my heart goes out to him, my compliant, sweet, easy-going boy. 

I forgive him, for he is still a child, and he is learning. 

I hope he will forgive me, if he does badly for his PSLE as a result of my parenting choices.  It might be bumpy for him in the next few years but I believe it will serve him better in the long run.

Walking in the Garden of Contentment

Recently I am reminded of a new-old lesson - to be thankful for what I have, and not to look at what I do not have.

It was part of a parenting course, and we were taught to teach our children - to look at the toys they have, instead of clamouring for the latest toys which they do not have. 

Today, I had to learn that lesson myself. 

After all the excitment, Elkan was not offered admission to NUS High (how nice of them to put it that way - instead of saying that "you are not found suitable", they said that "we are unable to offer you admission", as if it was their fault). 

It was a disappointment for all of us, and we spent quite some time staring at the screen, refreshing it to see if it was a mistake, and re-checking again minutes later to see if indeed, they made a mistake. 

Elkan said :"It's ok, so long as I get in eventually" (He wants to try again at PSLE, failing which he would try again at Secondary Three).  I applaud his determination and am amazed at his patience.  However, I dread the thought of going through the ups and downs of a selection process again, and also at the hassle of having to choose the next best Secondary School for him (since we would now have to participate in the posting exercise, even as we apply for NUS High concurrently). 

I thought it strange, that just about two months ago, not being in NUS High would not have meant anything to us. Unlike some of the parents I met through KSP Forum, whose children had been dreaming of going into NUS High since two years ago, being in NUS High was not a dream for us till very recently.

Yet now that we have put the thought of being in NUS High into our hearts and minds, not being there seems like such a loss.  It is like - the party's over for us, while the rest party on.  There is so much we can be unhappy about. 

I recently read this quote from a friend's blog : "We smile when the truth reveals itself, but cringe when the truth reveals us. We welcome the truth when it simply enlightens us, but reject it when it demands of us."

We are judged not just by what we profess, but more by how we act.  Having not made it through this round to NUS High has now placed me before the judgement seat - will I, or will I not, stand by what I profess to believe in?  Will I treat my child any differently?  Will tonight be a night of quick tempers because I am now in a foul mood? (And if the answer had been different, would it be an evening of permissiveness because I am in a good mood?)

It was difficult until I recalled the recent lesson - to walk in the Garden of Contentment.

Indeed, Elkan has been a pleasure to teach, and a pleasure to talk to.

(We recently lost many, many, many of our photos, and most of our videos.  These are among the few which we managed to recover - not the best but they evoke the same memories and emotions for us).



When he was in P2, Elkan's English teacher let them play "boxing",
intended to teach them the plural of certain words. 
Elkan won the game for that day and got to bring back the victor's sash.
It meant so much to him, that he asked to sleep with it that night.

Elkan, at age 3.  He could recite nearly the whole book.
The first para goes : "Our great race day is here at last, All six cars are sleek and fast.
The green flags wave to mark the start, Off the line the race cars dart".

Elkan at age 5.  This was actually a video (lost!)
It was the end of a chess game between Elkan and me.
In it he said, :"Mama lose already...." (which is true, I lost)

He was so fun to be with not just because he is intelligent in speech, but because he laughs so easily. When he was a toddler and lying on the bed with his eyes closed, we would pretend to send "tickle missiles" towards him (i.e. we do not touch him at all).  That will, without fail, send him into hysterical laughter. 

He was really cute.  This photo does not do him justice. 
He was a boy who would set you laughing just seeing and hearing him laugh.

He has been all these in the past, and he still is.  He is still extremely easy and enjoyable to teach and speak to.  He is still extremely funny and fun to be with.  Pretend tickle missiles still set him off into hysterical laughter - nothing has changed. 

I have many other things to be thankful for. 

Because Elkan is naturally intelligent and motivated (though not enough for NUS High at the moment), I had the freedom to divert my time and effort towards Elias and Samuel.  I also feel the freedom to have him teach Elias maths so I can be with Samuel, and have him play with Samuel so I can teach Elias. 

Samuel playing "Bob the builder" toys with Gorgor Elkan.

Tonight, Elias and Samuel happily sat next to me to be tested for their spelling, while Elkan read on his bed.  Perhaps this is normal behaviour for most children, but for Elias and Samuel to be willing and happy doing it, is not normal.  It is the result of the time and effort invested not just on my part, but also on the part of Elkan.  Elkan enjoys teaching and playing with his brothers, but often he would rather rest, or read, but he chose to obey me.  He understood and agreed to play his part to contribute to the success of the family. 

Elkan is not perfect.  But he has many lovable traits.  I am learning to walk in the Garden of Contentment. 

I started off this post thinking that perhaps I will end with saying that my example will teach my children to also learn to walk in that Garden.  But I have realised that perhaps, my children are already there, because they are really very easily contended.  They were all happy tonight, even Elkan, just having dinner and being together. 

I have such a big, beautiful Garden. 

What I learnt from the NUS High DSA Selection Process

(Note : This is not a technical post on the NUS High DSA selection process). 

The experience of going through DSA for NUS High showed me the following:-

1) The child opens door(s) for the parent(s) to go into new world(s)

Now that Elkan has made it past the first stage of the NUS High selection, I am a more legitimate member of the NUS High DSA thread on KiasuParent (KSP) Forum.

I have been looking through the KiasuParents thread on NUS High DSA for some time now.  It was however, a non-commital relationship because I did not know whether he would even make it past the first stage.  Now that he is past the first stage, I feel a sense of camaraderie among parents whose children are going for the Selection Camp (although there may be some sense of competition among the parents who are trying their best to help their children make the cut).  It feels as if I have been given provisional membership to an elite club (participants on the thread also include some parents of current students in NUS High). 

In an old post on that thread, a parent shared how wonderful the buffet dinner after the Orientation was (parents were also invited for that Orientation).  As I read it, I imagined how wonderful it would be for my husband and I to be similarly at such a function, beaming with pride at where our son is, and feeling the privilege of being a full member of the NUS High community.

The fact is, if Elkan does make the cut, and we do ever get to attend any NUS High event, it is something which my son would have earned for us.  The feeling I would have would be like the feeling which my mother had, when she came to NUS once to visit me, and walked along the corridors of the Arts Faculty, relishing in the University environment.  She told me that she imagined herself to be in one of those Taiwanese shows, in which a lovely female undergraduate would bump into a handsome male undergraduate and drop all the books and files which she had been carrying in her arms. (That was how the stories those times would usually start...)

I believe that this is one of the reason why parents desire success for their children.  I cannot say that I am completely altruistic, with not a single taint of dust, in my desire for Elkan to get into NUS High.  Of course it is all for his benefit, but it would also be such a lovely gift for us! 


2) Academic results is not the be-all and end-all

I mentioned in my earlier post that Elkan is not an A* student all the time.  However, he still made it past the first stage selection, although we had also submitted his school results.  I presume that he has done well, and NUS High did not care much about his academic results. 

I do not know yet, whether his academic results would ultimately be his downfall, since he has yet to get past the second stage selection (maybe they put weightage on the school results only at the last stage?  Perhaps as a tie-breaker?)  I do hope, however, that he would do well enough to make it, despite his academic results. 

My husband and I have always believed that academic results is not the key determinant of success.  We believe in education and the development of certain qualities through the process of education, but we always think that academic results can only indicate how good you are at being a classroom student and at answering examination questions. We have seen enough examples of students with excellent PSLE scores but poor problem solving skills and analytical abilities. 

Whatever the outcome of the NUS High selection, we will continue to believe that.

But if Elkan were to get in, despite his lacklustre school results, we would be able to do two things. 

Firstly, we would be able to boast to the whole world, that the Singapore educational system is NOT only for those who are examination smart.  We can tell the world, that the Singapore educational system can indeed sieve out the bright and creative and does not penalise people who do not fit the mould of a "model student".

I love Singapore.  I want to have one more thing which I can boast about Singapore.

3) Enjoy your children and let your children enjoy their lives

Secondly, we would be able to encourage parents to let their children be - let them experience life, and grow at their own pace.

While I said, in my earlier post, that we, his parents, cannot take any credit for his natural intelligence (except for our genes.  My husband would say it is his...), we do take credit for the fact that we allowed him to enjoy his childhood and pursue his interests, against conventional wisdom.  We also take credit for placing more weight on family relationship and the development of his character than his academic results. 

We would advocate all parents to do the same, because in the long run, these are what really matter.  Relationships and character have intrinsic value and by and large, remain unchanged for life.  Academic results on the other hand, only have indirect values - they are only a proxy for future success, and a preparation for the future.

As a friend said, "the water will find its own level". I am not saying this only because my son now has an opportunity to be among the very top.  I have more than one, and not all my children are the same. I do strive to help every one of them to surpass themselves.  There is nothing wrong with wanting our children to be able to punch above their weight.  But do it in moderation.  I think it is better to put more time and effort into what matters today.

4) Accept the child, whatever he is

We all live extended lives through our spouses and our children. I rekindled my interest in classical music because of Elias. My eyes were opened to the plight of families with special needs children because of Samuel. I discovered the wonderful world of mothers, and met many impressive, talented mother bloggers because of my three children.

However, society attaches a value to everything. Being a mother blogger has higher value, than being a mother per se, because it takes effort to blog, so the recognition is also for what you "produce" as a blogger. Being in the world of classical music has higher value than being in the world of special needs children because classical music is seen to represent "the upper class", good taste, and the good life, whereas special needs is seen as a shortcoming, as if something is wrong with the person. (I am honestly stating the perspective of the society in general, don't flame me!)

Being in the world of NUS High has a high prestige value simply because it is so difficult to make the cut, with offers being made to only about 170 students each year, out of 2000 applicants (these are the average figures before 2012. We do not know the 2012 figures yet).

It is easy to then place higher value on Elkan's contribution to our lives, and be more proud of him, and perhaps love him more.  But that is not fair.  He did not do anything to be clever, just as he did not do anything to be "blur" - that is just who he is, in a package.  None of my other children did anything to be who they are either - brilliant or not so brilliant. 

I completely, totally accept my children. They have worth to me, just as they are. Everyone needs that, and as people who brought them into the world, we should give them that.

5) Observe, know, and believe in your child

Although Elkan was a relatively good student, he was not loved by all his teachers.  Some were kind and accepting, asking after him even after he has moved on from their classes.  Some were impressed by his mathematical understanding and scientific curiosity.  However, none has ever advised me to develop him further in the area of Maths and Science.

It was his friends, and the adult friends around me who have interacted with him, who told me that he is very bright, and that encouraged me to seriously think about the options for a child like him.  That was how we eventually landed on the path of applying for NUS High.

After his Primary two (in the first two years, the teachers were very nurturing), the comments I get from the teachers about him were generally how ill-disciplined and unfocused he is, and how irresponsible and unkind he is.  I was told that he is weak in his composition and that he is stubborn, refusing to follow instructions.  I understand where the teachers are coming from.  I trust that they are not simply trying to put him down, but they share his weaknesses with me (and him) so he can improve. In any case, I spent much time reassuring and speaking positively into him.  The last thing I want is for him to start believing what the teachers said about him and behave accordingly.

If I were to believe and accept everything the school has told me about him, and leave his development purely to the school, he would never be where he is today.  Of course where he is now, only past the first stage of selection, is not much.  (And reading the KSP Forum thread, about all the children as bright and passionate about Maths and Science as my child has reduced my confidence level!).  But it has certainly raised his self-esteem, which is more than what the school has done for him over the years.

This is the reason why while I work closely with and have deep respect for my children's teachers, back home I would moderate the stress and work which my children receive from school. I would seek the teachers' understanding if my child is unable to finish the work given, and bear sole responsibility for his school results.

I have always believed that parents need to be fully involved in the child's overall development - trust no one else.  I think some parents work hard at getting their children into a certain primary school because they believe that the school will be able to help their children fulfil their greatest potential.  Perhaps, and the school environment can contribute to encouraging the child to do his best.  But a lot also depends on who the child has as a teacher, and what the child is like. 

It is also the parent who would know what the derailers in the child's life are.  Every child has them - most of which are character issues.  These are equally important, if not the most important, and need to be addressed from a young age.  Just because the child is doing well in his studies, sports and other CCAs, and popular with the teachers and other students, does not mean that the child is doing fine.  Only the parents have the privilege of looking into a child's heart, and so conversely, the responsibility of shaping it is the parents' alone. 

Formal schooling presents many excellent opportunities for the parent to work through with their children on their strengths and weakneses.  There are many teachable moments.  However, it is very time consuming, and for it to be effective, it requires a high level of understanding and acceptance of the child, and a great amount of patience and long term commitment.  It is the parent, who loves the child deeply, who is the child's best hope for learning and growth.

We cannot promise our children success and happiness in life - that depends on many other factors.  But we can certainly promise our children that we will help them learn and grow, and do the same alongside with them.

Living a Dream

It took me a while, to decide on whether to write this post now, since this particular dream has not completely come true.  In the end, I decided to write it now, because coming this far is already a marvel for me, and I am relishing in it.  Most importantly, the complete dream may not come true, and there are important messages which I would like to share with this experience. First, let me share my personal perspective.  Then I will follow up with another post on the parenting messages I wanted to share. 

Elkan is participating in the NUS High (School of Maths and Science) Direct School Admission (DSA) exercise.  He made it through the first round of Selection and will be attending the Selection Camp this coming Saturday. 

I have previously mentioned briefly, that Elkan is very bright.  He has been so since young, although we did not realise that in the begining. 

This is one of the many things Elkan wrote when he was 6 ears old.
He has always been fascinated by numbers.
When shown a picture of a window, he would say it is a square.
When he sees letters, he would translate them into a number.

Elkan wrote this when he was 6 years old.
He remembered a Winnie the Pooh story which he watched, and wrote it down. 

Another creation of Elkan at age 6.
He drew his own version of a world map.
He had a country named Jarebileshantyfirymongo

This is one of my favourite drawing of his.  I think he did this at age 6 as well.
He drew 4 speed dials.  I was impressed because he patiently drew out the speed mark,
from 0 to up to 200 for one of them.
(Sorry for the poor quality of the scan).

In the early years, my husband and I were not very kiasu parents and did not compare milestones with other parents.  We were both working full time and did not have time nor much opportunities for those types of comparisons.  Besides, we thought children were simply meant for us to enjoy, so that was mainly what we did.  It was wonderful having children who were easy to teach (Elkan) and who spoke early (Elias) and we had fun playing all the time.  Of course we thought they were geniuses, but our rational side told us that we were probably just biased.

We did not capitalise on Elkan's intelligence because there were some behaviours he exhibited which troubled us - he was obsessed with spinning objects and spoke haltingly.  For a long time, we were worried that he was autistic, although he was very sociable and responsive towards us.  As as result of that, we were simply relieved when he fitted well into Primary School. 

He did well all through his primary school years, but I always thought that he was underachieving.  He did not do spectacularly well in his upper Primary level, although he remained among the top two classes in school. 

He is not good at organizing himself, is very careless, and simply did not care much about scoring in the examinations.  Once he did his Maths examination paper with his left hand, because he suddenly decided that he wanted to be able to write with his left hand and chose to start practising then.  We were also not pushy when it came to results, because we knew that he knows his work and results do not matter to us.

Despite his lacklustre school results, we knew he was exceptional.  He has an amazing memory, recalling many events in great detail, and many conversations verbatim.  He is a good chess player and has always enjoyed mental challenges. 

There was a period of three months when we sent him for Maths Olympaid training, and he loved it, choosing to skip an outing on board a friend's boat instead of missing a lesson.  He is now reading through a book on 'Matter and Chemistry' which his teacher lent to him - he zooms through the pages amazingly quickly, and he understands all that he reads.

His thinking is matured and has a lot of depth. (For example I wrote about how he deals with bullies).  It is a delight to have a child like that to speak to everyday. (He delighted me when he asked me about whether we will find each other in heaven).  It is also mostly from him that I get the child's perspective, which is extremely useful for my parenting education and counselling.

Anyway, his PSLE year came and we thought we had better start being concerned with results, since all that determines his future in the next 4-6 years is that one single thing - his T-score.  It was more difficult than we thought it would be, because he was not used to much drilling, and for us, our heart was not into turning our enthusiastic and creative child into a quiet and depressed study machine. 

When we visited NUS High during the Open House, Elkan liked it. We decided to try for the DSA in June. 

By then, I had gotten tired of the PSLE preparation, and dropped all of Elkan's tuition (which lasted only for 2-4months) except for English and Chinese Creative writing.  I decided that it was too high a price to pay, for that 10-20 points to get him from 230/40 to 250/60 and beyond.  To get Elkan to score really well, I would have to sacrifice my time for Elias and Samuel, and also deprive them of their beloved eldest brother and favourite playmate. 

Samel adores his eldest brother

Elkan loves his youngest brother too. 
He often says to him : "You are so cute!"

Samuel loves to play with his Gor Gor Elkan.  Elkan will always oblige him.
Elkan needs to carve out time every day to play with Samuel.
On days when he is busy, it will be 5 minutes.  On good days, it will be half an hour.

I told a friend, that I will just let my children ride on their "natural intelligence".  Indeed, to make it past the first stage of the NUS High selection, is testament of Elkan's natural intelligence. The NUS High DSA selection process is not something which can be mugged for, and except for a period of Maths Olympaid training (which we stopped because we could not afford it), and a Maths Olympaid book which we bought for him two days before the test, he had no preparation.

I am now getting Elkan to do some last minute of reading
to prepare him for the 'English' section of the Selection Camp!
(Samuel insisted on being part of the photo :))

This is not spoken in pride - natural intelligence is something no one can take credit for - it is simply God-given.

We do not need him to get into NUS High to prove how good we are as parents or how wonderful we are as people (since that does not prove that), and we will love him no less.  But I pray and desire for him to get in, because I believe that it will give him much joy in his teenage years.  Elkan has a hunger for knowledge which my husband and I are unable to feed, and questions which we are unable to answer. 

Elkan is a happy and contended boy.  He does not complain or demand much.  He is a trusting boy (so far) and will quietly do what he is asked to, and live his life.  That is why my heart will ache for him, if he does not get what his heart's desire.  However, knowing him, he will just move on, and try again at Secondary Three, if that is still what he wants. 

Whatever the outcome, he will be happy.  Isn't he lovely?  So in a sense, I am already living a mother's dream.