So it was just mummy guilt

Mummy guilt, I am sure every mother has suffered from that.  The nagging thought that you could have done more or done better, that you should have known, or that you should have tried harder.

I had many episodes of these, but a few in particular haunt me.

There was the time in Jarkarta when Elkan was just 9 mths old. We were already training him to sleep on his own and he was accustomed to that.  However, that first night in Jakarta, he kept crawling over to me, to sleep next to me.  It was probably due to a sudden blackout which happened earlier in the night and traumatised him.

Despite the knowledge of that, I stubbornly refused to let him sleep next to me, for fear that it will 'spoil' him and undo all the months of work we did. He crawled to me again and again, crying and reaching out to me. 

He was happy here. He was not, in the darkness of the night.
He wanted his mummy, but his mummy rejected him.   

I put him back again and again, until finally, he fell asleep from exhaustion. (*BAD MOMMY!!!*)

Then there was the time when I force-fed Samuel (between 4-6 months old) some milk, only to realise later that it had been left out for more than 24 hours. It must have turned bad and that was why he refused to drink. (*LOUSY MOMMY!!!*)

He was so small, what does he know?

Sigh.  

Most recently it was the realisation that Elkan's primary school days were over, and that he had not had much accomplishments. I always wished we had continued his Piano, Swimming and Chess lessons.  He would have gotten at least a Grade 5 in Piano, and Gold in swimming and received more than just a Merit medal for his Chess competitions.  

Of all my children, Elkan required the least of my attention and so he received the least.  He was none the worse for the lesser attention but I always wondered whether he would have done better for his PSLE if I had given him more. Having these thoughts made me feel worse because I wondered why I was so mercenary. 

Suddenly however, I realised that I was simply feeling mummy guilt, and strangely enough, once I realised that, I felt much better.  

I did not fail my child.  The reason I thought I did was because I measured myself against a mother who had perfect knowledge and limitless amount of energy.  That is what mummy guilt is - an emotion borne out of an unrealistic expectation of myself as a mother.  

So I moved on, went for a lovely holiday, and lo and behold, when we came back, we found a letter.  

Apparently, Elkan was given an Eagle's Award, given to students who "display outstanding leadership qualities, contribute to voluntary work in the community and school, or excel in co-curricular activities".  It was certainly unexpected and therefore brought tears to my eyes.  

Elkan was delighted when he read the letter.
He was so proud of himself.  I felt so happy for him.

Like a year ago, when Elias received the Good Progress Award, this was an affirmation of me as a mother, illogical though it may be (because I think he would have achieved it with or without me, since I did little for him).  

Elkan has got his posting for secondary school too.  At the end of the day, I think that the school which he has been posted to, is the best choice for him, and he would be happy there.  

Life has lots of "might have beens" but I have so much to be thankful for.  Mummy guilt will always be with me, because being a parent is such an awesome responsibility. May it be a positive energy for me. 

Today is my test

In 3 hours time, we are going to receive Elkan's PSLE results.  I am very nervous.

This is Elkan standing outside his P6 classroom.

This is Elkan (he is at the back, first one from the left) outside his P1 classroom.
Time flies!

Close to 30 years ago, when I received my PSLE results, it was a happy day for my parents.  My parents stayed in a 3-room flat.  They did not even complete their primary school education.  My mother used to tell me stories of how my father would run away from school, and how she could never remember anything that she studied, even though she tried very hard.

It was beyond their wildest dream to have children who enjoyed learning, and who were good students.  But my brother and I fulfilled their dreams.  We enjoyed learning, and we did well in our studies.  Eventually we entered into NUS and the family portrait which my parents proudly hang in their living room featured four graduates (our spouses too, graduated from NUS).

Earlier this week I attended a "Our SG Conversations" dialogue.  I enjoyed it very much, simply because it reminded me so much of my past life -  the flip charts, the post-its and the sweets in the middle of the table.  I was happy to have met new friends - people whom I may not never otherwise have met because we move in different circles, brought together by a passion for Singapore, and a desire to make a difference.

At the end of the session, BG Chan Chun Sing, Acting Minister for Community Development, Youth and Sports summed up his impression of the whole session.  One of the things he shared was this picture.

The Y-axis represents wealth.  The X-axis represents all of us.

His point was this.  We are all at different points of the new curve - some are richer, some are poorer, but as a whole, and even as individuals, we are better off now than where our parents were in the past.  He implied that we should simply look at what we have, and not what we do not have, and adjust our expectations.

I think that he is wrong in one aspect.  Mankind does not, and should not assess our progress from a standard baseline.  Each generation desires to do better than the earlier.  We always stand on the shoulders of our ancestors and our past.  That is progress. It is not necessarily for personal gain, but an instinctive desire of each generation to leave behind something better for the next.

There is nothing wrong with being hungry for success (the Government laments that our young people do not have enough of that).  But it is wrong to expect it to be easy and to complain when it seems too difficult, because no one, not even the paternalistic and capable Singapore Government owes us success and happiness in life.

I do not know whether today will be a happy day for me.  Will today be a day of reward and affirmation for me as a parent, or will today be a day of test?  If he does much better than expected, it will be a day of reward and affirmation.  If he does as expected (I had adjusted my expectations to minimise disappointment.  Yes, I am a wimp when it comes to this), it will be a day of test.  It will be a test of whether I have integrity, whether I truly love my child unconditionally, whether any disappointment which I might feel is merely a momentary emotional reaction or a revelation of my true self.

I have a brilliant child here, whom I chose to give space to learn and grow instead of drilling him.  It represented six years of intentional parenting, but it also represented many moments and periods of careless parenting.  It represented more than two years (and counting) of my working life traded for the future of my children.

I am sorry, BG Chan, it is not as simple as looking at where I am compared to my parents, and where my children are compared to me.  The question is - have I create enough value from what I was given?  I was given so much more in life, through my parents' pain and sacrifices, and it will not be right for me to squander the inheritance of education and social capital they had given to me.  I need to ensure it is multiplied, through my life and my children's lives.

"Hey, my kite is there!"
When I look at you, my dear son, I see my future.
For even after I die, I will live through you.

But no, the measure of my life as a parent, and his life, even as a student, is not determined by the Aggregate score.  But it is easy to think that it is, especially in the frenzy of today.  That is why I say it is a test, and that is why I am nervous.

Give my husband a new wife, and let it be me

I remember hearing some time back, that the father is the head of the family, and the mother is the heart.

Most women know, of the power they hold over the family.  We have the ability to hold the entire family ransom with emotional blackmail - to withhold warmth and affection, care and attention so much so that the entire home atmosphere turns cold and hard.

In our family, nearly all the activities are planned, executed, and documented by me.
The father is happiest snacking and simply enjoying with the children.
I bet this is the same in your family.

We celebrated hubby's birthday with a simple "ice-cream cake".
For my birthday, husband will be stressed.  Unlike him, I am much harder to please.
I am sure most husbands have similar experiences.

While men and boys practice physical bullying, women and girls practice relational bullying and that carries into the home as well.  In the past, the man would threaten the wife with a cut in her monthly allowance, and the woman would threaten the husband with her children's disdain or hatred towards their father.

Today, most women are no longer held ransom by the man as we are financially independent. However, we still hold sway over the heart of the home and children because men are still as clueless.

He is a good father.
But he does not always know what is needed, and the best way to do it.
I can either help him be a better father,
or sabotage him so he cannot do it well.

I know this well, because I have the sometimes cruel heart of a woman.  Many years ago, I decided that I will never withhold love and affection from my husband, nor destroy his image in the eyes of his sons, because I have three sons.  Whatever I do not want their wives to do to them in future, I did not want to do to my husband.

He bought me this pretty thing, which he thought I would like.
Oh well.
Maybe it is a hint, that I should be more feminine, or more organised?
But I don't think so, because he is a man.
He probably thought :
"Pink = Woman.  Wife : Messy.  So this will help her.  Perfect Gift.  QED. I must be a genius"
Anyway, I appreciate his thought, and I love him because he is not complicated like me.

But sometimes the offense is too sudden and sharp and the woman will not forgive.

We have been together for so long.
He has always supported me, and loved my family.
(This photo was taken on our 6th trip to Indonesia)

Thankfully, my life is not in my own hands, and I have a God who watches over me.

So after 15 years of marriage, I re-started my commitment to him, with this prayer :-

Make me a new person, Lord.  Give me a fresh perspective, a positive outlook, and a renewed relationship with the man You've given me.  Help me see him with new eyes, new appreciation, new love, new compassion, and new acceptance.  Give my husband a new wife, and let it be me.

(The Power of a Praying Wife, Stormie Omartian) 

He is also the son of a woman.
My precious sons need him to lead them, and to walk with them.
He needs his wife, to accept him, and to love him unconditionally.

I am a woman.  I can do things he can never do (and I am not talking about breastfeeding!)

I will use the bountiful talents given to me as a woman, to complete my man.  I will do it not because I love him, but after all these years of learning what it means to be a woman, I have found that I love my life most, when I am a good wife and mother.

My children complete me, simply by allowing me to be a mother.  My husband completes me, simply by allowing me to be a wife.

Happy 15th anniversary, dear.

Paper Model - In the Park

Recently, I found this paper model "In the Park" which I bought many years back.  I can't even remember where I bought them from.

Look at the park!
There is a swing, a see-saw, a slide, a merry-go-round and a sandpit.
There is even a train and a tunnel, a balloon man and an ice-cream man!

I love the attention to details,
like the fence which we can open, and the little ducks swimming in the pond.

There was no cutting or glueing necessary, the instructions were quite clear and it was of rather good quality.

This is from the "My little house".  

I wish I could find them again, I think they will make rather good presents =D

Celebrating the child for life

I wrote about Samuel's mini performance at his kindergarten, and about how delighted and proud parents were of their children.  In turn, Samuel was so happy and excited to see us.   

Before the performance, Samuel was at the back with his friends.
When he saw us, he was so excited, and he walked towards us.
Then he realised that he should stay "backstage".
So here you see a sheepish-looking, slightly self-conscious, nonetheless very happy boy.

At the end, the teachers encouraged the children to give a hug to their parents.
Happy grandma and happy grand child :)

It was the same about a month ago, when the children 'graduated' from kindergarten.  They did some simple song and dance, and we lapped it all up.

Samuel was not the most prominent of all children - there was a child from each class who gave a farewell speech - and he was not the one.  He made a few people laugh, however, because of the way he did his bow and extended his hands for the certificate.  He was so cute and he can do no wrong - everyone of us in the family was proud of his every step and his every move.  

On the other hand, this is also a very stressful time for primary school children and their parents. This is the time when the year end exam papers are returned and the SA2 results are due to be released.

Well, my son did badly. He failed his Chinese paper, and barely passed his Maths. His results were average for English and Science, which were his better subjects.

The emotions he caused were of course very different.  There was no celebration of a good job done, or a good year.  

Some time back, I was having a conversation with a friend, to whom I said that some parents get jaded when their children grow up.  Somehow, we no longer celebrate the child's achievements as much when they grow up.  I think parents become a bit disappointed at the realisation that their child is not a genius after all. 

Somehow, unlike in preschool where the standard for a simple graduation or concert performance is absolute, the success indicator in school is now relative, and set so much higher that children rarely meet it.  After all, how many top 5 scorers can there be?  And even if you are among the top 5, your parent may think you should be the first.  Even if you are the first in the school, your parent may wish you were in the GEP, and then to top the GEP class, and then to be the top scorer for PSLE.  (My Favourite teacher forever (FTF) said : Bring them a step closer to heaven, and they ask for heaven).  

I think that is natural because expectations go up when the children grow up.  But I believe that if we could remain as encouraging to our school-going children as we were when they were pre-schoolers, they will do so much better. 

In any case, seeing Samuel and reflecting upon our over-the-top, irrational joy at seeing him do the simple things he did, and appreciating his efforts, reminds me that we should continue to affirm our school-going children's efforts and to tell them that they matter to us, regardless of what they did or did not do.

Yes, my son did badly for his examinations.  So what should I do?  I am both the kiasu/kancheong, and the easy-going/full-of-high-sounding conviction mum.  I have also been on both sides of the parenting scale - the authoritative Tiger mum, and the permissive Jelly mum.  But maybe if I can find the perfect balance, and am more effective, efficient and energetic, like some mums know seemed to be, my sons will be better off.  望子成龙，which parent does not want success for their child? (My FTF said that too) 

Unfortunately, I am not that perfectly balanced, highly effective, efficient and energetic mum.  I do not pray enough either.  Perhaps I did not give them the 龙种， so surely I cannot punish them for not being a 龙. 

Today some friends and I talked about how they contemplated suicide when they were growing up, because of the lack of connection with their parents.  Others said they contemplated suicide despite the connection with their parents.  So what is a parent to do?  

As I have written earlier - there is no guarantee of how our children will turn out, and when their lives will end.  Given that, there is only one thing I want to do - and that is to love my children, and to enjoy the limited time I have with them.  

But of course, my dear son, you still have to spend part of your holiday working on the basics and strengthening your foundation.  Compared to others who have to go for intensive holiday programmes, I think you have it easy! :)

I love this handwriting workbook I found.
It can keep him productively occupied for hours! ;)

Samuel the Jolly Postman

Today Samuel did a little performance at his kindergarten. He was acting as Jolly Postman, who delivered a letter from Goldilocks to the 'House of bear'. 

Once upon a bicycle, so they say
A jolly postman came one bright Monday morning
From over the hills and far away

I must say that the kindergarten was really creative in its exploration of the Term 4 theme on Jolly Postman.   

First they visited the Philatelic museum. Then of course they had the 'Show and Tell'.

Samuel brought a letter from Manu, our friend from India.

Back in class, they got the children to each make a mailbox for themselves. 

Look at all the colourful mailboxes!

They then took turns to write to each other, and the children in turn played the role of the postman, to deliver the letters into the letterboxes.

These are letters from Samuel's friends.
Sadly, I did not take any photo of his letters to his friends!

Lastly, they did a mini performance based on the theme. The teacher, Mrs Kwek told me that the children were given the freedom to decide on which characters they want to be, and to resolve any conflicts (e.g. if they fight over a certain role) they may have.  Very impressive.

This is their theme board.

The children created their own "postcard" reminders for the parents to attend the performance.

Samuel drew out the "Synopsis"

The children were split into 6 groups, and the performance was done over two days. One of the reason was that there was space contraint in the holding school (the school is part of a church which is being rebuilt). But the outcome was that each child had a substantial number of lines and the parents were delighted and proud of their children.

So here is my little Samuel, the Jolly Postman (only the first part where he "cycled" on his bicycle and when he did his "Rap-a-Tap-Tap!").

I love you, my little postman! :) 

Don't waste my pain

Thank you Straits Times and Joyce Lim for the article "One gang fight, 2 broken mums" in the Sunday Times, yesterday. (Reproduced here on Jarkarta Globe)

Thank you Mrs Ng for sharing the story from your perspective as a mother.  When I first read the news about Darren Ng, the one thing that struck me was that he was a church-going Christian.  As a Christian family who endeavors to bring up godly children, I was curious about who this boy was, and what he was like, and I was glad to finally find out.

The Ng family is similar to ours.  We too are a close-knit, upper-middle class family, and the children have been going to church with us every week since they were a month old.  We serve actively in church, we pray at meal times, and we talk about God all the time.  

This is one of our family devotion times :)
Daddy is playing the guitar and Samuel is enjoying it :)

We read bible verses and pray for people during mealtimes.

Our boys are cheeky like Darren and we enjoy the family.

We were celebrating Samuel's birthday at cell group meeting.  

This week, I heard two statements made by friends.  One quoted this bible verse "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" (2 Corinthians 10:12).  The second is this statement "There is no other way but to get down on your knees and pray".  None of the statements were made in reference to parenting nor children, but they are perfect for this lesson which I am learning.  

The story about Darren humbles me.  It reminds me not to be too proud or over-confident about my parenting skills nor the state of our family relationships. It reminds me again, the one thing I always tell parents - there is no guarantee.  We always do our best for the best outcome in life.  However, there is no guarantee of success.  Our lives and our children's lives are in the hands of God.  We must pray, and ultimately our children's future is determined by their own choices. 

There is much a parent can, and should do, but we must also learn to let go.  Mrs Ng understands that truth well, I believe.  She said that "Life is about choices. My son made the wrong choice... I chose to live.." 

My words will surely sound empty to the family, but I am thankful that Darren had a family who truly cared for him, that he had many years of lovely memories, that he had a dream, and his family supported him in it.  

Samuel brought this back from church just yesterday.
It talks about love and acceptance.

The interview ended with the quote from Mrs Ng "Don't let my pain go to waste".  Thank you, Mrs Ng, for allowing us all to reflect, learn and grow from your pain.