This post is for me

This has been a depressing few days. Just when we are all recovering (remember my PSLE scholar fell sick in the midst of his exams end Sept?) Elias and I fell sick again on Sunday.

The number of visitors to my blog seemed to have also gone to a low, at a time when I thought I had put in more efforts to push it up and when I particularly need it to go up.

I wish I could rest so I can recover quickly, or pick a fight with someone to vent my frustration, or mope around dwelling in self pity.

But then again, I am reading about Job, who suffered the loss of his entire fortune and 10 children. He also lost reputation in front of his friends who believed that he had brought it all upon himself due to his sins.

And I read a friend's blogpost on how she is perservering to live her dreams. In particular, she wrote 'nothing is easy but anything is possible'.

I take courage from that, and I shall now start to count my blessings.

I have a helper who continue to clean house and cook us lunch. My mum continues to keep me company when I go to the market and cook dinner for us.

I have my firstborn who happily takes care of and plays with his youngest brother so I can coach my second born. He is also able to teach me primary school maths so I can in turn teach his brother.

I have a close relationship with my second born who enjoys being 'sick' with me, holed up in the room, even if he has to do maths and chinese. I have my third born who was thrilled to find out this morning that he has a fever because then he is also 'sick' and can now lie beside me (something he was not allowed to do for the last 3 days).

A few of my friends among my few readers tell me that I write beautifully, and that my blog has caused changes in their lives.

So there are many things to rejoice over. I am just too greedy. 

But it is emotionally draining and dangerous to be a blogger, especially one who writes personal and reflective posts, which is my style and preference. On the one hand, I fear being judged for what I write. On the other hand, I fear not being read at all.

Therein lies the dilemna of writers/bloggers. They mostly start by writing for themselves. But all man desire to be heard and understood, and best of all, to experience resonance, to know that they are not alone in their thoughts, emotions and perspectives. All man desire to make a difference to the world, and for bloggers, we desire that our writing be read.

But for now, here I am, writing this for myself, because writing is a pleasure in itself, and that's all that I can deal with, on a day like this.